Disclaimer: this post will have cursing and will be somewhat graphic at times. If you don’t want to know, don’t read it.
As most of you know from Facebook, I recently had a miscarriage. I was almost 12 weeks pregnant. The whole experience, even though I know there is always good in every situation, has pretty much sucked ass.
I want to share my story for several reasons:
It is therapeutic for me. I have been so tight lipped about previous miscarriages, that I feel like this miscarriage is an opportunity for me to pull everything back up from the past, things I stuffed down, and really grieve and process them all.
I also think that more women should talk openly about miscarriages. It happens so frequently and it is such a normal part of being a woman, but hardly anyone talks about it or even acknowledges it. For me, in the past when I was younger, I did not want to talk about it at all, even with close friends, because I was so ashamed. I felt like I deserved it and that it was my fault and that it meant I wasn’t good enough to be a mother.
I also want to tell the story of what natural miscarriage at home is like. There is hardly anything online about it. I found this article and this one and then a few random comments on forums. Here is a wonderful blog about pregnancy loss. She even has lots of pictures of what babies look like when they are born this early. And I think it can be a very scary process, especially if you have not had a natural live birth (as in totally drug free) before and do not know what to expect.
So here we go.
At almost 12 weeks, I thought I was in the clear. The pregnancy started out tough with spotting happening from the placenta tearing away and then reattaching. Being on bed rest was hard but I thought it was all behind me and everything would be ok. Viable pregnancy, the doctor said!
When I started spotting again, I figured it would be ok. I figured I would go get an ultrasound and see the heartbeat and it would all be fine. I was trying to stay positive, but I think I must have been a bit delusional.
I had been spotting all weekend and called my high-risk ob first thing in the morning on Monday. I dropped Penelope off at a friend’s and Peter met me at the hospital from work later that morning.
At the ultrasound appointment, the technician was very quiet, and that should have been my tipping point, but finally she said, “Unfortunately, I don’t see a heartbeat.” As a side note, not once did either she or the OB say, “I am sorry.” Or even definitely say, “Your baby is dead.” Peter actually had to ask them to say it and spell it out. Before he left that office, he needed to hear the doctor say that he was 100% sure the baby was dead.
They left us alone and Peter and I hugged and cried. When the doctor came in, he told me that I could go to the hospital for a D&C or have a natural miscarriage at home. Having a natural miscarriage was a no brainer for me, no question about it. I wanted to avoid the hospital and an operation if I could.
We also talked about having tissue sent off to be
ed, but opted not to. Peter and I are at a point were we have not 100% closed the door on getting pregnant again, but we are pretty much done being pregnant and we are not going to take any extreme measures or even try to have another baby so it seemed kind of pointless to go to great measures to get tissue
ed. I also did not want to give up any piece of placenta or my baby’s body. I wanted everything to be buried together in my garden.
And then we left. Peter asked if I wanted him to take the day off work and be with me. I just wanted to be alone. I came home and took a long walk around my neighborhood to process everything and make sure I was centered. I also wanted to bring on labor and start the miscarriage as soon as possible. I had long talks with my body about getting this show on the road. I did not want to have to wait weeks for it to start.
Thankfully, I was lucky. My body got right with the program and labor started that night. It started as soon as I put Penelope to bed. I walked around the house for awhile and rocked my hips back and forth during contractions. It started off slow and then got very painful, very fast.
I came out of our bedroom and got Peter and just fell to my knees and started crying. I kept crying and telling him it hurt so bad. After a few minutes I went to sit on the toilet. I sat there thinking, “This is fucking bullshit.” All this pain and all I am going to get out of it at the end is a dead baby to bury. I wanted to go to the hospital to get a D&C. I never actually said it out loud but the thought lingered in my mind for awhile as I worked up the courage to carry on at home.
Then my water broke. Peter looked at me and said, “Um, are you peeing?” And I was all like, no dude, that is blood and water, not pee. Looking back, similar to Penelope’s birth, right before my water broke I had the same major freak out and thought I wasn’t going to be able to go on.
I passed lots of blood that night, and contractions eased up enough for me to go to sleep around 1am.
The next day I felt fine in the morning, but around 2:30pm the contractions started up again. Peter was home by 3pm and I tried to sit on the couch and watch TV with him and Penelope, to cuddle and nurse her to distract me, but I couldn’t handle the pain. I felt a strong urge to get in the bath.
Again, just liked Penelope’s birth, all I wanted was to get in the warm water. I sat in the warm water for about an hour having contractions. During the contraction, I would tell my body to open. After the contraction, I would just breathe and relax and sometimes curse at the universe for this fucked up shit.
I am not sure how much I dilated, but based on the amount of pain, I would say I got to anywhere between 6 and 8 centimeters. The pain was the same feeling as live birth, but just not as intense. I could feel my cervix opening and my belly getting hard with the contractions. My back felt like it was on fire.
And then the baby came out. It just sort of slid out, similar to the feeling of birthing a full term placenta, but obviously the baby takes up much less space coming out. I put him in my hands and just looked at him. He looked just like a little fetus, all curled up and tiny. I called for Peter to come and he touched him and said some sweet words. I held him for a little bit and I seemed to have a break between contractions. When they started up again, I put him in a Tibetan singing bowl that I have. A cereal bowl didn’t seem to be special enough to hold him.
As a side note, I am so glad that I had that time to hold him and look at him. The day after, I had this huge empty feeling. All I wanted was my baby and to hold my baby. Having had the experience of holding him, even though he was dead, was very comforting to me and gave me a sense of closure.
Then a little while later, I kinda of lost track of time, I birthed a huge chunk of the placenta. I am not sure why it does not all come out in one piece, but breaks apart in chunks. At that point, Peter said “Um, are you going to eat it?” Which made me laugh because the thought had crossed my mind. But, I didn’t want to. I wanted every piece to be together when we buried everything in the back yard.
I had another little break and decided to get out of the tub and rinse off. The tub at that point was completely dark and red from the blood. It was kind of creepy to be sitting in a pool of blood, but it was also kind of inspiring. The female body never ceases to amaze me. Even during this miscarriage, I am in awe of what my body is capable of.
I got into the shower and had more contractions. A little while later, I birthed another big chunk of placenta. I felt much better after that and got out of the shower a little later.
I am really glad I was in the tub and shower. Sitting on the toilet feels good for many people while miscarrying, but logistically it is pretty gross to go in after and fish out the fetus and placenta if you want to save it. Everything that came out was nice and clean from the fresh water of the tub and shower.
By 9pm, the contractions had stopped and I was eating some soup. I was totally exhausted. And so thirsty I inhaled like a gallon of Gatorade, just like I did after Penelope was born.
That night I felt lighter, and knew the worst was over. I had survived, yet again.
Over the course of the rest of the week, I continued to have cramps and back ache, but I was still able to function. I also started drugging myself with ibuprofen. I also had times of full on contractions. During those contractions, they would come on out of nowhere and then I would go the bathroom and little piece of placenta or tissue would come out.
The first two days, after the worst was over, I felt like a rotting corpse and as if the weight of the world was on my chest, holding me back. Each day has gotten easier and easier. I have been lucky to have Peter taking good care of me and Penelope, and I have already had several acupuncture, energy healing and massage appointments. After my energy healing appointment, the heavy grief lifted immediately.
Physically, I am doing ok. Started some light exercise by the end of the week. I am still bleeding and expect to continue bleeding for at least another week. I am really looking forward to being done bleeding. I am sick of looking at blood, and walking around with a ginormous pad in your crotch is not fun at all.
In the end, I am really glad I was able to do everything on my own and at home. The pain and physical process has helped me deal with the emotional pain. Forcing me to be present and connect my emotional heart to what is going on in my body.
If you have any questions, just let me know and I will try to answer as best I can. This is a pretty good site for more information about natural miscarriage and pregnancy loss. And this blog post has good information about
ing you can get done to find out why you had a miscarriage.
If anyone is reading this going through a miscarriage and searching for information, my heart goes out to you. I pray that grace washes over you and makes things easier.
Also, one more note, please know that every miscarriage is different. Every body is different, every pregnancy is different, and every miscarriage, especially depending on how far along you are, is different. An early first trimester miscarriage, in my experience, is not this physically hard. It is more like a heavy period.
*Update* I did a guest post on the Healthy Home Economist blog, about natural ways to complete a miscarriage and avoid a D&C, if you do choose a natural miscarriage and it is taking longer than you would like.
It is fcking bullshit. I hate that you had to go thru this, and have had to before as well.
I’m with you in the miscarriage club, even though it has been a while for me. Now my husband and I have been TTC for months (6 months plus) and I am so over it. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve dropped the F bomb and cuss at all of the unwanted pregnancies around me for friends and customers.
I pray for peace and strength for you.
Thanks for cussing with me! Sometimes there is nothing really to say other than to drop an f-bomb. Peace and strength right back at you.
I am so sorry that you went through this stressful and traumatic time. I cannot relate to having a miscarriage but I sure felt sorrow reading your story and compassion towards you, and I am grateful you’ve shared your story of strength and love.
Thanks so much Tonya.
HI Stephanie,
Your story spoke to me and is giving me strength and support. I am terribly sorry for your loss, but I am incredibly thankful you were open and had the courage to share it with everyone.
I came across your blog doing some research for the miscarriage I am currently going through. I am 10 weeks and I found out 4 days ago after spotting for 3 days that my baby doesn’t have a heartbeat. Needless to say, after a day and a half of NONSTOP crying, I decided to do some research since I believed the miscarriage would happen soon. that is when I found your story.
This is my third miscarriage and I am 41. I have no children and have been married for 14 hers. I have always wanted children and still do, but it is so painful each time this happens. The pain sent me to the emergency room Friday night because I nearly passed out. I am using the tub as you discussed and that has helped; I am passing parts of the placenta each day, but no baby yet. Today I read your story again and I read many of the comments. Although I sit here crying, I do take some comfort that there are so many women who have shared, such as yourself, and have such kind, loving, and supportive words. I feel as though SOMEONE understands.
Thank you again for your story; it makes me feel connected during my loss at a time when I feel alone and disconnected.
You are so not alone, I am so sorry for your loss. Big hugs and lots of love and light coming your way.
Oh Stephanie. I’m so sorry to hear that you and your family had to go through this. I’m thankful that you were able to find closure and some measure of peace. I’m sending the biggest of internet hugs your way.
Thank you so much.
Hugs to you, mama. Your post brought tears, having been there myself as well. Thanks for sharing your story – it will be so helpful to future women.
I sure hope so.
Thank you for sharing your story; it is terrible and beautiful and tragic, all at the same time. I, too, am a miscarriage survivor, and you are right—it needs to be spoken of. I wish you peace, healing and love.
Thanks for sharing and your kind words.
I’m so sorry you had to go through this and thank you for sharing. I think women need to talk about it more. I had two miscarriages and an ectopic and I was so ashamed of them at first. Now I’m not afraid to open up and talk about it anymore. Lots of hugs and prayers to you and your family.
I am glad to know that I am not the only one who felt so ashamed. Thanks so much for sharing.
Hugs and good thoughts to you and your family. I know this was hard for you, but I also know it is helping those of us who have lost.
I didn’t realize telling my story would be so helpful, I am so glad to hear that. It makes me feel better for sure.
So sorry to hear this, but really glad you shared your experience. It is difficult to understand in a cosmic sense how some women can have one healthy pregnancy after another (my sister-in-law, for example, started having kids at 32 and is pregnant with her 6th at 41 — no issues for her or the babies), and some must endure such difficulty. I opted for a d&c when I lost our last pregnancy. I went two weeks without any blood or signal that labor was starting, and the waiting got the better of me. I remember walking around with a freaking Ziploc in my purse because I didn’t know how the baby would come out if I went into labor, but didn’t feel right if it happened in a toilet out in public to flush the baby. Thank you for giving this information, as hard as it was to do so, as I’m sure it will help women who go through this experience. What doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, right? I wish all women the courage to talk about their miscarriage experience (it is so helpful in the healing process), and for those they speak to the fortitude to at least say they are sorry to hear about it even if they can’t think of anything else to say.
I feel so lucky that I didn’t have to walk around with a ziploc bag! I guess things can always be worse, right. Thanks so much for taking the time to share.
I am so sorry for your loss. My thoughts and prayers go out to you and your family. Such strength and courage you have to share such a personal story. Sending internet **HUGS** your way!! ♥♥♥
Thank you Christina.
Thank you for sharing your story with us! Sending you lots of love this week. I’m glad to hear that things are getting easier.
Thanks so much Sarah.
I am so sorry for your loss and appreciate you sharing your experience. I’ve lost three as I’ve shared here: http://www.sidetrackedartist.com/2011/10/losing-baby.html
Be well.
Thanks so much for including your link Cindy. Your first paragraph really resonates with me. I plan on doing an entire post on how the world sort of has this negative association with only children. Thanks for taking the time to share. Love to you.
my heart breaks for you. i’m glad you wrote about this for other women to read. thank you.
Thank you.
First, I am so very sorry for your loss. I can not even begin to imagine how hard it was to look at and hold that sweet baby, and know that that was all the time you were going to get with him. My heart goes out to you. Thank you for sharing this with us. It is such a personal and heartbreaking thing. I thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much Lindsey.
Wow. I was 16 when I suffered a miscarriage. My family fully supported me during the pregnancy (I’m lucky to have an amazing family), and everything would have worked out ok in the end had I been blessed with that baby, but God had other plans for me. I’ve never read about natural miscarriages, although that is what I had. I was offered the D and C but denied it because I’m anti hospitals unless absolutley necessary. I chose to let nature run its course after my dr (who I refused to see again after this) told me that I’d simply bleed a heavy period. Complete and udder bullshit from my dr… never once did he warn me as a 16 year old child myself, that I would see my baby pass. I was dumbfounded, terrified and didn’t know how to react. Considering this happened to me when I was 16, it was not something that I could really talk about to my friends. I was already so much more mature then them on so many levels because of going thru this, they wouldn’t understand and wouldn’t understand the great depths of this. Your story is very similar to mine, and I’ve never read one like yours before. Although I was not in the bath tub, we have many similarities. I had a lot of therapy and antidepressants after going through this. Thank you for writing it. Thank you for disussing and opening up about the un discussable.
Fast forward 13 years… I now have a handsome (almost 7 year old) son, Gunner and a beautiful (15 months) daughter, Layken.
Thank you again.
Stay strong.
Prayers for you all.
My heart goes out to the 16 year old you. I wonder how many other teenagers have gone through the same experience in absolute silence. If you think of all the grown, married women that suffer alone, it really puts a perspective on how terrified teenage girls are. I wonder if even Dr’s don’t really know what goes on during a miscarriage. Just like in live birth, how they are loosing the skills and information being passed down on how to deliver twin births or breech babies, because no body does it anymore…I wonder how much information we have lost over generations because of women being silent about miscarriages. Anyway, thanks for sharing and lots of love to you.
I am 21 years old and got pregnant unexpectedly with my fiancé a couple months ago. Even though this baby was unplanned, when we found out it was gone, I died inside. Thank you for writing your story! I couldn’t imagine a 16 year old feeling how I feel. You are such a strong person… I know I will get through this just like all of you have! Light and Love<3
Yeah, even an unplanned pregnancy that ends in miscarriage is devasting. So sorry for your loss.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. I want to thank you for sharing your experience. I’ve always wondered what happens in this situation and think you’re very strong for sharing it and putting your feelings and experience out there. Lots of love and prayers your way.
Thanks so much Christie.
I’m so sorry that you’ve not only had to go through this, but other miscarriages as well. My first pregnancy ended around 10 weeks. I had stopped having pregnancy symptoms other than being very tired all of the time but I thought that was just because I was nearing the end of the first trimester. Unfortunately, I started spotting. In my heart, I knew it could be nothing other than a miscarriage. We went to the ER and the scan revealed that our baby was only measuring 6 weeks with no heartbeat. We’re not sure what caused our baby’s death, or when exactly it happened. One of the worst parts of that night was hearing the doctor refer to our baby as a ‘product of conception’ rather than a baby. My grandmother helped me feel better about that later but at the time, I just couldn’t believe how heartless he was! For me, it was a no brainer to have a D&C. I did not want to have to give birth to my baby and see it in my hands, dead. All of this was after almost 2 years of trying without a success. I will freely admit that I had a severe breakdown. I missed work. I cried non-stop when I was able to make myself get up and go in the morning. I lost my appetite. All I could do was pray to God that our baby was safe in heaven. We did have the tissue tested for genetic abnormalities which revealed he was a boy. We gave him a name and keep his memory close. I got help from my doctor (medication) and a counselor and I’m functioning much better now. I’m able to talk about miscarrying without reliving the emotions which was one of my counseling goals. I also think it’s important to talk about what it’s like so that more people feel comfortable to share. I really appreciate you doing so!
We are now pregnant again with twins this time! Every cramp, every pinch of pain scares me. I even spotted over the weekend but thankfully both of the babies are ok with good heartbeats. They just think it was implantation blood. It’s very scary to think that I could miscarry again and lose two babies this time.
I hope that you are able to be at peace with what happened. If you do decide to try again, I strongly suggest getting your vitamin D and thyroid tested. Vitamin D deficiency is especially subtle but can cause so many problems.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. That is very interesting about the vitamin d deficiency, I have not heard of that before and will have to do more research. Lots of love to you.
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing it is healing for me to know I am not alone. It seems to me in the past you even mention the word misscarriage and the room of women go quiet and no one knows how to respond. I have had people tell me I am sorry to maybe this is Gods way to tell you not to have anymore children. It has been almost 12 years since my last one and still I think about the mouth that he would have been born and seeing his heartbeat and hearing it and having a doctor tell me there was nothing that she could do, to find out from another doctor that one small test might have saved him. Thank you again and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks so much for sharing Christy.
I had an ectopic pregnancy that ruptured back in August while on a family vacation and am pregnant now (9-1/2 weeks) and am terrified of a miscarriage. I had no idea what actually happens during a miscarriage. You’re a brave woman for putting your story out there, but I am oh so thankful. {{HUGS}}
Lots of love and light to you. I know its easier said than done, but try not to stress. It really is out of your hands and no amount of worrying can do anything. Something that helped me with my pregnancy with my daughter, because I too, was terrified of loosing her, is a mantra I said over and over again, when I was worried. I would say “thank you for being here” and rub my belly. Its kind of silly, but it helped.
Thanks for sharing. These tears on my face are helping to heal my heart from my miscarriage 2 years ago. Such a beautiful thing to keep and bury your baby. Yes we as woman need to be more honest and allow ourselves to mourn!
Your comment is so touching. To know that this post helped heal someone’s heart is more than I could have ever hoped for. Thanks so much for sharing. Lots of love to you.
I was just scanning pinterest looking for crock pot recipes and it took me to this blog. I’m SO glad that i read this, b/c this happened to me while we were on our family vacation with 16 people in a cabin on Thanksgiving break in the mountains. We were 14 hours from home and it was SO miserable. I agree with all the cuss words times 100. It is hard for me to get on facebook b/c everyone is pregnant now, and having babies, even though i try not to be jealous or envious it is so hard.
I can’t even imagine. I am so lucky that I had some privacy. It is hard not to be jealous, before I had my daughter I went through a stage where I couldn’t even talk to my friends who had babies, so be easy on yourself. But now that I at least have Penelope, I don’t have those same feelings towards pregnant friends. In fact, I am so happy for them. So happy they did not have to go through I what I went through.
I am a 28 year old without children, and I had NO idea the process was like long and painful! My mom had four miscarraiges when she was trying to have me, and she has never mentioned anything like that. Thanks for the education! My heart goes out to you.
Every miscarriage is different, and early first trimester ones are more like really bad periods. But in general, a late first trimester and beyond miscarriage is like a mini birth. Your body is doing the exact same thing, but just on a smaller scale. Thanks so much for sharing your story.
I am so sorry to hear that this happened to you. And I’m very grateful that you shared your experience with a miscarriage at home. I am a former women’s health nurse practitioner, and I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been the one holding that ultrasound probe having to tell someone that their baby died. I can’t believe that the person who did yours didn’t say anything that resembled a “sorry”. Me? I usually ended up crying openly with my patient, not because I meant to, but because dammit, it is just a terribly sad thing to lose a child – I don’t care how far along you are.
Incidentally, I am pregnant right now, and at around 10 weeks, I was laying on my couch on a Sunday night and felt a gush of fluid like my water broke, and I was just sure that I was miscarrying. I ran to the bathroom and was bleeding, and it got worse over the next hour or so. I wondered what I was in for, so I feverishly started Googling “miscarriage at home 10 weeks”. I was scared and hurting and sad and bawling. Even with my background I didn’t have a clue. I was panicking. There was nothing that I could find that was helpful on the internet..I wanted to know what kind of pain to expect, what it would feel like to hold my poor baby in my hands (if I had the chance). I knew there would be a lot of bleeding, but I wanted to know the nitty gritty, ugly details.
Turns out, when I went to the doc on Monday, the baby was fine. I was absolutely shocked. Turns out I had a subchorionic hemorrhage, and the experience I had may have been the passing of a twin that hadn’t developed properly. Even knowing what I know, I didn’t know that.
Again, thank you for sharing your experience, because maybe the next time there’s someone looking for that type of information, she’ll find your story and be a little more comforted…sending thoughts and prayers to you.
I hate that you had to have the momentary stress of the blood that comes from a sub chronic hemorrhage. I was so hoping that was what was going on with me, but no such luck. Congratulations on your pregnancy and thanks so much for sharing your story!
I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for speaking so openly and lifting the cloud of secrecy surrounding miscarriage. I think this is so important, because for those who find out that they will miscarry, it can be scary to not know what to expect…and for those who have experienced it, they need to hear that they are not alone. And for those who are the support system, it can be helpful to be able to empathize. Thank you for your courage!
Loved your comment, thank you!
Wow, thank you for sharing your emotional story. Thinking about you during this difficult time.
Thanks so much Alicia.
I have been writing out my Mom’s birth stories (all 11 of them!) and the day I read your story, she emailed me her 8th story which ended early in pregnancy due to miscarriage. I had heard all about the other pregnancies before, but this was my first time hearing her miscarriage story. After she read your story she agreed that is just as important for women to share these, so thank you for being so brave.
thank. you. stephanie. the strength of a woman is something a man will never know.
Amen!
I had no idea there were options! I have never heard of a natural miscarriage, thank you so much for sharing your story. As everyone else has said I am so sorry for your loss, no one deserves to go through that. You are such a brave and strong woman!
Well, I am glad I wrote this post then! Thanks for your sweet words.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I am crying my eyes out for your pain and reliving when I had a miscarriage at around 10 weeks with my first pregnancy. It was a very tramatic experience, both with the miscarriage and how we were treated at the hospital, and by friends and family. We were young and newly married and everyone kept saying to us, “Oh, well you guys are so young, blah blah blah….” It was the most painful experience for me emotionaly and I felt like I was all alone. Of course my husband grieved but it was different for me since that baby was inside me, and already a part of me. I am a firm believer of everything happens for a reason, and now I can see why it happened. We needed a little more time for growing up and spending more time as a newly married couple before having children. We now have three kids, but I always see other kids that would be around the first babies age and think of how that could have been my child. Thanks again, I never have talked about it and I feel like I just had some therapy!
Your post brought tears to my eyes. It means the world to me that I could help you heal in some small way. Thanks so much for sharing and lots of love to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I applaud you for writing this blog to let people know it is ok to talk about a miscarriage. I had a natural miscarriage at 7 weeks along almost 3 years ago. I felt so alone and felt like people who never suffered the loss did not understand my needing to take about it and mostly that they thought I should just move on, after all it was only 7 weeks, barely a baby yet as one family member told me! To a family who had been trying to get pregnant for 6 months, the moment the pregnancy test came out positive it was a baby to me. Thankfully my husband and mother understood and I had my 2 and a half year old son to cuddle with. We also stopped trying to have a baby after the miscarriage, but were lucky enough to get pregnant again and I now have a beautiful little girl. When i went in to see my doctor after the miscarriage the first thing he said when he walked in the room was “this was not your fault” That has stuck with me more then anything else that was said. At the time I didn’t believe it, still thought about what I could have done to make the baby healthier and stronger, but looking back I couldn’t have asked him to say anything nicer to me to help with the grief. Good luck on your journey. I wish you nothing but the best.
How wonderful that you had someone tell you that it is not your fault. It is absolutely true. Thanks for sharing and lots of love to you.
What an incredibly strong mama you are. Thank you for helping to lift the silence of the many, many mamas who lose babies. Wrapping you in love from afar.
Thanks so much Dionna.
I am the mother of 4 children. My first child (a son) is severely disabled and total care.He is 28 yrs old. I have 3 daughters ages 17, 15 and 11 who are not handicapped. My first pregancy with my son was my easiest he has CP due to a virus I caught during pregnancy(CMV) and it caused his problems. My 2nd pregancy was easy. My third I had to go on bedrest at 30 wks due to bleeding. When she was born a lot of my placenta was already dead so it was detaching and that what caused the bleeding/pre term labor. 10 months after her birth I had a miscarriage at 8 wks. Bleeding, cramping but no hospitalization. Then about 6 months later a miscarriage at 12 wks. This one I went to the hospital alone because I had no one to watch the kids. So my husband stayed home with them. We are military and did not have family close to where we were stationed and no neighbors/friends to call. Waiting in a room for 4 hours not sure what was going on. Finally I was seen by the ER doc and they listened for a hearbeat and heard nothing then did an ultrasound. Nothing. My Hcg was very high and one doc said “Are you sure your 12 wks?” and I knew exactly how far along I was and said “Yes” and he said your Hcg is so high, it may have been twins” the nurse shot him a look like “Shut up!!” . I was not offered a d and c and told to go home and would pass “products of conception” on my own. So I did. I had a lot of cramping and bleeding but never passed a fetus so I was surprised when I read that actual fetus were delivered. . So I don’t know why I did not at 12 wks. Then 4 yrs later became pregnant again. Went to doc and she found out my progesterone was low and put me on meds. She said if I had waited just a few more days I would have miscarried. Feel so lucky she checked my progesterone. She asked about my other miscarries and I told her I did not ever have a answer why it happened. That is why she checked my progesterone. So most likely that is what caused my two miscarriages. But after this child was born the doc said I probably should not have any more kids. I still think about the children I lost but know they are in heaven and we will meet one day.
Thanks so much for sharing. Not all women who miscarriage late in the first trimester can see a fetus. Everyone is different. Sometimes the baby dies earlier and the miscarriage only started weeks later. Some women absorb the fetus and what comes out is in pieces and not fully formed. I feel very, very lucky, that both my baby and placenta were pretty much intact. Lots of love to you.
wow I had no idea a miscarriage was just like an actual birth. I had a miscarriage when I was younger but I went the medical route only because I had no idea you could do it naturally. I thought you HAD to do it that way. Well, now I know, thank you for sharing your story. There is good in everything, and you are way more stronger for this I am sure. I understand your pain and I pray for you in your healing process, sometimes we cannot see what lies ahead for us and that makes dealing with right now difficult. Your body always knows best, so trust it. And embrace what you have in your life already. Much light and healing for you and your family.
Thanks so much for your comment. I am thrilled to get the word out there that natural miscarriage is an option if you want it.
So sorry for your loss. I lost one at 14 weeks unexpectedly. It was so sad. No one talks about it. We should…. we should let those feelings out. I now have a 7month old and my 5 and 10 year olds. I often think about that sweet baby and where I would be today if things were different. Now we are done … but I still feel like I am missing part of this family.
Thank you so much for sharing. Lots of love to you.
Losing a child SUCKS! It doesn’t matter if you are 1 day, 1 month, full term, or its a normal born child. I have suffered the same experience but only different. I was full term and only 7 short days from my actual due date when I started having pains that I assumed were contractions. I found out later that they weren’t actual contractions but my body telling me something wasn’t right. I, too, received the look from the lady doing the sonogram telling me that she couldn’t find the heartbeat of my unborn son. I was younger and my doctor was GREAT. He informed me exactly of all my options and I decided to get the whole process started. The doctor informed me that my body was fighting the birthing process and that it could take up to 72 hours of hard contractions…I was determined that it wouldn’t. Less than 24 hours later I gave birth to a son that looked perfect in every way a baby could, except he wasn’t breathing. I held him, loved him, and my family was blessed to do the same. I am so thankful that the doctor and nurses allowed me the process of holding him and saying goodbye. Sometimes life can really SUCK. I grieved hard and long. His funeral came and went but I will always know that this momma has an angel above. Through the years I have watched my children since then grow up and I can’t help but feel robbed. I have watched my friends lose children from miscarriages, tragic accidents, or illness and I think WHY. Why does it happen, Why does it???? The answer lies different within each mother’s heart. I am so sorry for your loss. People say it gets easier but I will tell you that it doesn’t get easier – YOU just learn how to handle it better.
Thank you for sharing your story. I am so sorry for your loss. I totally agree, it doesn’t matter how far along you are, loosing a baby is loosing a baby. The pain is all the same. Lots of love to you.
You are so brave. I get so mad when I think of the doctors that don’t inform women of what will happen when they miscarry at home. Thank you for sharing this as I know it will help many women. I wish I had been better informed before I birthed our babies.
I hope this helps lots of women too.
ay. i’m so proud of you to build up this and share this story. it is really something else. that you literally birthed a baby. there was no way of getting around the process, it was like any other birth. and so fucked up that twist of fate. i’m sorry and yet i know that you will heal from this and find a way to bring a higher meaning to your grief.
my love to you.
Thanks so much Lia. It is pretty mind blowing when you think about it, how much a miscarriage is like birth. And yet, I think it is only mind blowing because we haven’t been talking about it. What I did and went through was nothing special. Women have been doing it, since the beginning of time. We just lost the information.
I am so sorry for your loss buy I appreciate you sharing. I can’t imagine what you must have through but I am in complete awe of your courage and strength. Your my hero, I wish for your happiness in the future.
Thank you so much Katrina.
You should check out http://www.mommieswithhope.com It is an online support group for women who have experienced miscarriage or infant loss. Teske Drake is the founder and she has quite a story herself. (((HUGS))) from Iowa.
I will check that out now. Thank you so much.
Thank you for sharing your story. Miscarriage is so taboo in most circles. Even here in my state if you miscarriage state insurance no longer covers your medical needs and you have to pay back the expense of your pre-natal care so far.
Where do you live? That is just crazy!
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I also just went thru a miscarriage myself . We became prego in September of 2011 and when i went in for my 10 week apt. we found out that we where having twins which was a running joke in our family that we would have twins! We where super excited but at the same visit they couldnt find a heat beat for either baby. It was soo devasting! This was our first pregnancy and we had no clue or sign that anything was wrong, everything seemded to be fine on my end. We opted for a D&C, bc I had no clue how it would have happened and didnt wanna walk around playing the waiting game with my body. The Lord really blessed me though i had no bleeding after my D&C and my periods are back on track and a regular schedule!! We are going to start tryng again Really Soon!! I know that God does all things for a reason, but its stil hard to deal with!! I would suggest 2 things to anyone that has had a miscarriage and is still having a rough time ( i still have rough days; its takes time) If you like to read and its a very easier reader and quick then read Heaven is for Real… and also there is a video on you tube called 99 ballons…it helped me copue with my emotions of losing my babies. Job 1:21 God Gives, God Takes, God’s name be ever blessed.
THank you for sharing your miscarriage story and for the reading suggestions. I really appreciate it.
your welcome!!! I know people say alot and that sometimes it doesnt help…but i wanna be able to help people with something that i have been thru before!
I’m so sorry for your loss – I wish you healing on all levels. Thank-you for sharing your story. I had a miscarriage last summer and felt extremely alone. I didn’t tell anyone (other than my husband) for about a week – looking back I’m not sure why. But once I did open up to my family and some close friends, I felt more open to grieve. I also had 2 friends that shared their miscarriage stories with me, which was a huge help. I always say “Shared joy is double joy, shared sorrow is half sorrow”. Thank-you again for being open about your experience… it will benefit others as well as yourself.
I love that saying! I will have to steal that, thank you! Thanks for sharing your story, I hope it inspires others to be more open about miscarriage too. Lots of love to you.
Thank you for putting into words what it feels like to have a miscarriage. After my third I just can’t try to add to our family anymore. The grief, anger, and heartbreak…
Thank you for reading. I added in at the end, that every miscarriage is different, so my experience with this one, may not what every one’s physically is like, but the emotions are pretty much the same across the board. I am glad I am not the only one, who doesn’t want to add to their family after miscarriages.
I am so sorry for your loss! Know that I am holding you in my heart and prayers and wishing I could hold you in my arms as well.
Thank you so much Sandy.
Thank you for opening up and sharing your experience. I, too, miscarried in November and briefly shared about it on my blog. We chose to miscarry at home and beforehand I did some research online and had trouble finding a bunch of information as well.
My experience was painful as well… I wish I would have thought to save the remains and bury them. My pervious birth was a c-section, but I am pretty sure what I felt was like giving birth. I was in awful pain for several hours until it passed. What was worse was in the days that followed..especially in the mornings about 10 minutes after getting up for the day I had these horrible contraction(like) pains which caused me to not be able to move. Luckily they were only in the mornings and eventually stopped.
For me, the emotional pain has been far worse. I miscarried 2 months and 1 week ago and I still cry pretty much daily…longing for my baby back.
I wish you as pain free (as possible) of a continuing recovery both physical and emotionally and thank you for sharing your story.
Thanks so much for sharing, I know you will comfort another mother who is the same boat and still crying even though months have passed. The pains are for sure contractions. I know for some it feels so weird to call the pains contractions. But that is indeed what is happening. Lots of love and healing to you.
It is really hard to open up so publically about what you have just been through. I commend you for your strength, honesty & sincereity. I myself have had 3 “at home” miscarriages. They were several years ago and even though it isn’t a daily struggle anymore it does still hold a place in my heart. I thought that once I had a child that pain would just disappear but it doesn’t really work that way. I agree that women do NOT talk about it (just like they don’t admit to PP Depression). I try to always be open to anyone who asks about it or is going through it. Talking about it is therapeutic but does often bring up all of the emotions again. Even though it is common it is incredibly shattering not only to a woman but to the partner and sometimes to the relationship in general. It can be a very lonely struggle. I wish you luck and peace in your journey and I am so sorry that you and your family are going through such a hard experience.
So hard! I am finding the more I open up, the easier it becomes to open up even more. I agree, women do not speak about PPD enough either. Thanks so much for sharing and lots of love to you.
I want to send out ((HUGS)) I had never heard of a natural miscarriage until my young niece opted to have one. I didn’t know how to help her and she cried on the phone with me and I felt so bad for her that I couldn’t just hold her and tell her it would all be alright. Your reality is a good one to share for others out there, maybe to not be as scared about what is going on with their own. Thank you for sharing.
Thanks so much Kristi.
Sorry for your loss. I don’t know you, but you are a strong woman! I thought I was tough, HA! Reading your story took me back to one of my worst M/C at 21wks! From finding out about no hrtbt, to the emptiness after the D&C! When you describe holding your child in your hand, I tried to imagine, but that’s when I decided you are STRONG! As much as it hurt and I’ve learned to live with it, I can’t imagine going through the birthing process…even though the pain must be comforting, in a loving kinda way. Thanks for sharing, this is the first time I write about that experience, it happened in 2007. I’ve been blessed with a son since, I’m grateful every minute of every hour of every day! God bless you!!
Thank you so much for sharing, especially for your very first time. Lots of love to you.
I just happen to stumble across your site…maybe I was led here?I am 8 weeks pregnant,my 4th pregnancy,3rd child.I too miscarried.It was about 9 years ago and I was 14 weeks along.I have always thought that no one else could have possibly gone through exactly what I had,but you did.I was sent home to do it the natural way.Unlike you,I did not have the courage to look into the toilet.Many times I wish I had.Many people can say they “feel” your pain,or know what you are going through,truth of the matter is no one does.Everyone reacts in different ways.I can tell you I do feel for you,my heart aches.May God and family comfort you ,you are in my prayers.
Thank you so much for your comment. I am sure it will be comforting to other women, who may not want to hold, or fish everything out of the toilet. There is no right way to miscarriage or grieve. I appreciate you sharing.
I had no idea miscarriage naturally like that was just like birth (the physical pain factor – the grief I know is beyond imagination). My first daughter was stillborn at 27 weeks; she had died in utero and I was induced. And I had severe preeclampsia. My heart breaks for you. In half. I am so sorry about this loss and the previous babies you’ve lost as well. It has been ten years (and I have a 6-year-old) since the loss of my first baby girl. I think of her every day. It is so hard. The grief lifts and lightens, and I have deep faith, but as a human I am still sad sometimes that she’s not right here in my arms. XOXO to you. Praying for you.
I just stumbled across your blog by chance – via Pinterest of all things – and had to say thank you for posting this and thank you for being so open. I had a miscarriage in November 2011 and chose to also go through with everything at home and there are simply NO resources out there. I have not gotten brave enough to blog about it yet, but I do talk openly with my friends and other bloggers. I am with you in that the female body is an AMAZING thing. I just knew what to do and like you preferred the shower/bath. The toilet felt wrong for whatever reason. Praying for your family and your babies in heaven.
Thank you so much for sharing! Glad to know there other women who miscarried in the tub and shower. Lots of love to you.
Thank you for sharing your story. I too have suffered thru miscarriage 3 to be exact. I had 1 d&c and the other 2 were at home.. It is a flood full of emotions and I pray that you find comfort. I do have 2 live Children ages 11 and 19. I had 2 miscarriages from PG that was planned then had my 2nd son and a few years later suffered my 3 and final.
Thank you for sharing yours.
Forgot to mention that I did find you thru Pinterest. I also did Find a Book when I went thru my MC’s that seemed to help me.. the book was called Miscarriage A woman Doctors guide written by Lynn Friedman MD with Irene Daria
I will have to check that book out, it sounds interesting, thank you.
Thank you for sharing your story with me. I’ve never considered miscarrying at home in the past so I am so thankful that you shared your experience. I am relieved to know a D&C isn’t the only option. I think being at home would be much better, emotionally, for me. Healing thoughts and positive energy to you and your family.
So glad to know that people are finding out an alternative to D/C’s. I have never had an D/C, so I can’t really speak about the differences but I do feel that being at home, had helped tremendously with the grieving process.
Wait, what.
I just commented on your the FB post for the blog. But then I came back for a re-read.
I’m an RN, I’ve worked on the “special” unit of one of the country’s largest/busiest Women’s hospitals… I’ve seen all kinds of pregnancies and births gone wrong. I’ve prepped passed little angels that didn’t make it.
A year ago I had my own 13 week MC.
I opted for Cytotec + home. My husband was deployed, in Afghan. I live in Hawaii, my family is all on the east coast. It was literally the week before Xmas when I took the Cytotec. I bled for 30 days. I did have to collect the tissue samples and bring it in.
My experience was sad, traumatic, hard and changing.
I found VERY limited resources online to help me out.
I am having a really hard time understanding your process. You were 12 weeks along, and yet your water broke? You could tell the difference between fetus and products with your own eye? You could hold the fetus?
In my experience, the products of conception are very hard to discern, and seems like – well, blood clots. Especially as most 12-week MCs involve something that happened earlier in the pregnancy and the body just hasn’t reacted yet.
I”m not calling you out or arguing with you by any means. I’m just reacting, honestly, to what you’ve posted here. A lot of your experience sounds reminiscent of my own. Lots of blood. More cramping than expected. A deep sadness and hurt that went straight to my heart.
I know everyone is different, and every pregnancy is different.
Having a MC was no joke. It was painful. It took a long time. I do appreciate that emphasis… sorry you had to go through a stillbirth at home. That should have been handled as a stillbirth, not a MC.
Thanks for sharing your story, I hope it helps others.
Hi Rose, just want to repost my response to your similar Facebook question here, so everyone could benefit.
So sorry to hear about your loss, that must have been very difficult to have a miscarriage with no support. This was my first miscarriage after having a live birth, and Penelope’s home birth really helped me understand what was happening in my body as the miscarriage was happening. I would have not have known what was going on if not for having a previous home birth. Also, when I cooked and encapsulated Penelope’s placenta, touching it, knowing exactly what it felt like, inside and outside, also helped me discern what was coming out of me during this miscarriage.
I am touched deeply by your story. I am in awe of your strength to be able to write about this to enlighten & educate all of us. After going through two pregnancies with no issues/complications I lost a baby last May at seven weeks along. I didn’t even know I was pregnant but that didn’t seem to quell the pain & heartbreak I was overcome with. Though my family was as supportive as they could be they also made references to “well it wasn’t very far along” or “at least it was early” – I don’t care how far along I was, my heart broke. My doctor didn’t even offer a D&C but said to just “go home & wait” and that it would be like a really heavy period. Maybe in regards to what came out, yes, a heavy period but the heartache and emotion that I felt was like no period I’d ever experienced. My sister miscarried her first pregnancy at 12 weeks, they told her she had to have a D&C but never told her she could see the baby or have it tested which angers me.
I hope that you and your family are able to heal and that writing your story down for us to read has brought you a sense of release & comfort.
Thank you to everyone who commented here today. I am so touched by all of them. I have been passionate about women having a sacred space to tell their birth stories, for many years, but today I realized how important it is to have a space for women to share their miscarriage stories.
Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking yet beautiful story. Maybe it is weird that I think it is beautiful, but the love you express for your baby and the way you told it truly is. I know it will be an encouragement to other mamas out there who can’t find the words. Praying for healing for you and your sweet family.
I don’t think it is weird at all. Thanks so much for your sweet words.
I had no idea. I’m 34 years old and realize I was completely ignorant about such a sad yet real part of life. Your story and your experience were raw, but real. Thank you for being vulnerable enough to teach us. Your story and your outlook are beautiful.
Thank you so much Jennifer.
Thank you so much for being so open and honest about your miscarriage. My little sister just miscarried less than 2 weeks ago and she can’t talk about it. I still have no idea what happened for her and I am grateful that now I have an idea of what she went through. I am so sorry that you lost your baby. I have been praying for you in the past and I will continue to pray for peace for you and your family. Again thank you and God bless you!
Well, her experience may be different, but the emotions are the same. I am glad my story will help you empathize with her. Thanks for your sweet words.
Hi , I’m so sorry about this loss , it’s good to know you have a wonderful n healthy daughter . Thank you for being so open about ur experience . I had two MC after I had my daughter , she is 5 yrs old now she does nt let me forget the pain it still hurts so bad when she asks for a brother or sister to play with . I’m 34 I’m so scared to try agian I don’t know if I ll be able to go throu this pain again ! I hope you get stronger n heal soon . Much love
Yes, I am so, so grateful my daughter. We don’t plan on getting pregnant again, and I am so curious to know how life as an only child will be for her, and if she will be mad at me one day for not going to extreme measures to give her a sibling. My husband and I figure, we will just have to go out of our way to make sure she has tons of friends to play with all the time.
As the mother of an only child (by choice – - NOT due to MC) my daughter (26yrs old with a MC last fall (after trying for 4 yrs to get preg) and now preg and Due mid May – - YEAH!) and I have talked quite a bit about her feelings on being an only child. My house was always the house where kids were always welcome and I was the mom who took all her friends under my wing as if they were my own. Even tho I worked full time, I was the one who coached cheerleading, drove to all the activities, took kids to riding lessons etc. . . Anyway, she doesn’t regret being an only child. In fact, she has said she kind of liked it. So don’t be hard on yourself if this is the choice you make.
I read this post because I wanted to know and hopefully fully understand what she went through. My heart broke when she was going through the miscarriage, then again when she started having problems with the 2nd preg. I really think she miscarried a twin, but it was fairly early so hard to tell. We just talked and I tried to help her through it. Fortunately she saw a side of her husband she didn’t know existed – - an extremely tender caring side which has brought them even closer together. You hurt terribly when you know your child is hurting – - even when they are adults. She’s having a girl – - combined with his 2 girls that will make them 3. She laughs and says Tori will sort of be an only child getting a lot of attention like she did, but will still have sisters. Best of both worlds.
Strength and BEST WISHES for you whatever decision you make about future pregnancies.
I just happened to stumble across your blog and was blown away by this tragic mishap. Thank you so much for sharing your story, I hope that it will give women all over the power to speak up and out about such a (natural) and horrible situation a woman may go through. All the best and I hope some day your daughter will have a little brother or sister
Thanks so much Tara.
What an amazing story and how strong you are to share with the world! Im so very sorry for your loss- I pray nothing but blessings over you, Peter and Penelope! Im sorry if this is insensitive- Im curious if you named your baby and how the burial went. He was a lucky little angel to have you as his Momma, if even just for a second!
It is not insensitive, I know lots of people must be curious. We did name him. I had a name come into my mind pretty much the moment I found out I was pregnant. The burial was short and sweet. Said a few words and prayers. We buried everything a couple of feet down in my perineal butterfly garden. We plan to plant something over him, as soon as it warms up a little bit.
Stephanie, I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your son. You and Peter and Penelope are in my prayers. I appreciate you sharing your story. It has given me a new perspective on the loss of an unborn child. It brought back memories of my sister’s miscarriage many years ago. She lost her baby the same day that a dear friend of hers lost her 10 month old son. Both Mama’s felt the same pain, regardless of gestation. Blessings to you.
Thanks so much Michele.
Stephanie ~ I’m so sorry for your loss. Your story is beautiful, and you are a brave and strong woman. I wish you peace.
Thank you so much Courtney.
Thank you so much for sharing this. My heart and body hurt for you. Four of my friends miscarried within one week’s time last year, and I know this would have offered them so much solace. I send you strength and love, and blessings for healing.
Thank you so much Rachel.
I am so glad you got to hold your baby. I always think there is something peaceful about holding or touching a living thing once it has passed. That has always brought me closure. Thank you for being brave enough to type this blog, I feel women don’t really talk about it because it is so difficult. I admire your courage.
Me too. I feel really lucky. You don’t always get to see it or can tell what everything is, so I was very grateful. Thanks for your encouraging words.
I’m so sorry that you went through this. Thank you for sharing you experience. I have always wondered what would happen if nature was allowed to take it’s course. I gave birth to my daughter at the hospital. I was given pitocin to start contraction, and an epidural which gave me the only migraine I have ever had in my life. The night I realized something was wrong at 27 weeks, I woke up as I often did, to feel the baby moving. I didn’t feel anything. I tried to wake her up to see if she would move and she didn’t. I knew deep down what was happening but I went to the hospital to find out. We went in for an ultrasound and the doctor said, “yup, there’s no heartbeat.” Just like that. Later, he came back and apologized for telling us that way. He was under the impression that we already knew and he was just confirming. Even if that was true, it seemed rather insensitive. After she was born, I had to have a D/C anyway because the placenta wouldn’t detach. At the time, I was 21 years old, and I couldn’t face holding her. The nurse gave me a really hard time and was lecturing me and telling me I was making a mistake. I was really angry for her for that. I’m sure the thought she was helping but I couldn’t handle it at the time, though I was worried I would later regret it. But I’m 31 years old now, and I don’t. They took a lovely photograph for me of her, footprints and a certificate of life. I don’t know that I’m the kind of person that could have handled holding her. I think everyone is different, but nobody knows you better than yourself. We had a memorial service and Mia is buried at the foot of her grandmother’s burial plot. Anyway, I just wanted to share some of my own story with you since you shared yours with me, a stranger. Thank you.
Thank you so much for sharing. I know it will help other women in the same situation. I totally agree, you have to follow your instincts, only you know how to grieve and do what is right for you. No one else can make that choice for you. Lots of love to you.
Thank you so much for sharing. I have recently had a friend who suffered a miscarriage after over a year of trying to get pregnant. She is very private, so it is nice to have insight into her heart and feelings. May God be with you as you suffer the loss of your child. Know that many thoughts and prayers are with you!
Thanks so much Kjersti.
I’ve suffered 2 miscarriages. I had one at home and 8 days after, had to go in for a D&C as my body wouldn’t let go of everything. It is painful, both physically & emotionally, but you will get through. Somehow, as women, we always do. Check out facesofloss.com–very good support! Keep your head up!
I will check that out, thank you. And thank you for sharing.
I have to thank you so much for sharing this! I miscarriage at 12 weeks pregnant just over a month ago now. I can totally relate to your experience in the biggest way. I, too, blogged about my experience. If you feel so inclined you may read it here: http://thetruthsofmotherhood.blogspot.com/2011/12/our-miscarriage.html. I hate how alone I have felt and like you, felt that sharing my experience would not only help me recover but may help someone else to know they’re not alone. Thanks again for sharing. I have found comfort in reading through your blog.
Thanks so much for sharing your link. I would love for this to be a sacred place where lots of women can come and share their miscarriage stories and help other women. Lots of love to you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
I had a miscarriage last spring. I wasn’t trying to get pregnant and was shocked and even slightly dismayed at finding that I was pregnant. I was open to having another baby but the timing was terrible. I only knew that I was pregnant for a week or two when I started spotting. I checked in with the doctor but there is nothing they can really do so early so they told me to keep in touch and that early spotting was normal. I did in fact have early spotting throughout the first trimester with my first child. Well eventually light random spotting got heavier, and more cramps started, and finally all out bleeding like a heavy period. I went for blood work twice and my levels ultimately plumetted to non-pregnant levels, at which point the doctor called and said that there was nothing else that needed to be done, that the baby was just gone. I was stunned at the level of grief that I experienced over that loss. The whole process, running to the bathroom, to the lab, telling people what happened… you just don’t know what to say or do or feel. There is a baby, and it starts to bloom as a concept and a dream, and then it is just gone.
A few months later I found out that I was pregnant again, and now I am 30 weeks along. I spotted again during the first trimester and it was terrifying. I wanted this baby so bad- even more so, after the miscarriage. I tell myself that the one I lost was so early, and was just not meant to be, and all of those things that you say, and they are comforting, but I will never forget that there was another baby. I feel so deeply for you and everyone else who has gone through a loss like this. Love to you.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. And congratulations on this pregnancy! So happy for you!!
Thank you.
I’ll be honest; despite how many people I know who’ve gone through what you have, I never had any idea what really happens during miscarriage. Thank you for opening my eyes. From the bottom of my heart, I am so sorry.
Thank you so much Shaina.
All of mine have been around 5 weeks. None of them were confirmed pregnancies (but I know my body), so nobody will acknowledge them but my midwife and current OB. I really need my husband to acknowledge them, but denial is his coping mechanism. It really sucks to have nothing to show for it and nobody to talk about it. I’m so glad for the internet sometimes…
Those are the worst. I have had that experience before as well, and the only way I knew for sure was from charting my temperature. Lots of love to you.
I came upon your website via pinterest. This is an incredible post. I am so sorry for your loss, but I thank you for sharing your experience with me. You are so strong! I wish you and your family the very best during this trying time. On another note, I look forward to reading your blog.
Thank you so much, Sofia.
You have shown us all true strength through your vulnerability. I am amazed by your courage. Thank you for taking the time to share this story with us.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Holley.
It gives me a bittersweet feeling to see others write about their experiences. I hate that anyone would have to go through this. I wish that the few I had could take the place of any miscarriage anyone else would ever have to endure but that’s not the case. It is good to see others share, though. The majority of the world doesn’t know how to react to a woman who has miscarried because so many women don’t share their stories. I was so destructive after my third because I felt I had no one to talk to that could understand. So many of my friends became awkward around me, as if they didn’t know whether to give their condolences or treat me like they did every other day.
I, too, miscarried naturally at home each time. I couldn’t bare the thought of having a doctor do the job for me. I felt that if my body couldn’t carry my babies to term, the least I could do was give my babies the justice of being born and not being torn away from me. It’s reassuring to see that someone else has had all the same emotions I’ve had and that I reacted “normally.” Thank you for opening your heart to so many people, even those you have never met, to not only bring yourself comfort and closure but to help other women who have, are or will experience the same.
Thank you for your sweet words and for sharing your story, I really appreciate it.
Thanks so much for sharing your story! I’m 22 weeks along with my first child and the thought of never getting to meet our child is terrifying but it’s amazing that you had te courage to share your story. It’s easy to keep our emotions and experiences bottled up but by sharing them you’re helping so many other women. I’ve gotten to spend time praying for lots of friends who’ve not only had miscarriages but also became pregnant and didn’t want to be. Thanks for being so open and honest and sharing yourself ; ) I put a link to my blog at the bottom in case you’re ever free and want to read it, it’s totally a work in progress but I like to vent about the joys and poopy stuff about pregnancy!
http://brazilianwaxbeforebirth.blogspot.com/
I would love to check it out, thank you! And congratulations on your pregnancy!
First of all – let me tell you YOU ARE A VERY STRONG WOMAN. I have been thinking of you a lot since this began. I honstly don’t think I could’ve done this the way you did.
Also – isn’t it amazing how “dropping” the F-bomb covers so many things – lol. Sorry but that happens to be my favorite word.
I also appreciate you describing what you went thru. I have never experienced a miscarriage and had only really heard of having a d&c. This reinforces my belief that like begins at conception. I think it is comforting – you know what I mean – to be able to go through the process that you did at home and in your own time.
Please know I am still praying for you and thanks again for sharing. So many women will benefit from reading this.
HUGS
Thank you for your thoughts and agreeing with my use of an f-bomb! I appreciate it.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I, too, found it brought some peace to share my story. And, I was surprised at the number of my friends who had experienced miscarriage and never talked about it until I brought it up. And, months later, two of my friends contacted me to share their miscarriage experiences because they knew I’d be a safe space to process it…
I, too, had a natural miscarriage at home. I had to get blood drawn for several months afterwards, but was determined to do it without medication if at all possible. I was thankful that my doctors were willing to walk the path with me, even though all of their training was calling them toward interventions.
Thank you, again, for sharing.
I know it is so surprising how many women will come forward if you bring it up first. I am thankful for my OB being open to a natural miscarriage as well.
Wow. Stephanie, this brought me to tears. I just had no idea it was like this and I’m embarrassed to say that I never really thought about it being that intense despite having friends who have had miscarriages. Posting your story has obviously already helped a lot of people share their stories and hopefully will be a resource for women in the future <3
Don’t be embarrassed, how would you have known?! No one talks about it! Thanks for your sweet words.
Thank you for sharing your experience. I also had a miscarriage at almost 12 weeks. That would have been my 4th child. I experienced an early miscarriage also and this one was completely different. I went through all the contractions too and finally had the fetus come out. It is such a surreal experience.
Thank you so much for sharing. And I am so sorry for your loss. Love to you.
i am so sorry for your loss, but thankful that you are willing to be so open about it. just over 5 years ago i became pregnant with my first. i was about 5 weeks along and my fiance and i were getting ready to go on a road trip, and i thought, i’ll tell him when we’re in the mountains, someplace beautiful. we had been on the road a few days and i started to feel bad and was in a horrible sort of mood; we stopped in a beautiful scenic overlook in north carolina. i went to the bathroom to wash my face and try and calm down, and pee… and blood everywhere. i didn’t know what to do, i was totally alone and in a strange place. i cleaned myself up as best i could and curled on the floor and cried. i was in there long enough that my fiance sent in the lady from the information desk to check on me. i don’t know what i must have looked like when i opened the stall door because this total stranger just said ‘honey, i’m so sorry’ and she hugged me for such a long time and let me cry on her shoulder. she helped me wash my face and get back out to the car. i wouldn’t talk to my fiance, to tell him what was wrong… i didn’t know how to tell him that the baby he didn’t know existed but that i already loved was dead… flushed down a toilet in north carolina. we got to our hotel later that day and i finally told him what had happened. he just curled up on the bed with me, held me, and let me cry, reminding me that i wasn’t alone. fortunately the bleeding for me was short and not overly painful but it stays with me, all these years later i think about that other baby and miss him/her, and wonder.
i now have 2 beautiful “june bugs” as i call them: this june elijah will be 4 and micah (whos tiny little noggin i just bawled all over while reading your post- poor guy) will be 1. having lost a baby helps make me more patient with them i think. whatever craziness the boys get into it’s better than not having them. it wasn’t until i was pregnant with elijah that i was able to talk about that other baby, with my mother in law, who is amazing. she is a nurse in the nicu and we were talking about losing children… when she opened up with me about her miscarriages… all 13!!!!! of them!! i thought man, what a baby am i!? and holy shit this woman is so strong! but she told me every experience is different and personal and not worth more or less than any other womans, that we need to hold each other up and be beacons of encouragement and strength for one another. and that is exactly what you are doing. so bravo to you! and congrats on the amount of courage you have been blessed with. i hope you have gather peace and understanding in your heart and squeeze that beautiful little girl of yours extra tight when you start feeling sad. you and i are both very lucky to have our living children to hold onto, and not all women get that chance. lots of love.
Oh Rebecca that was an amazing story. Isn’t it amazing how we women are connected somehow to each other that a complete stranger would be there at such a difficult time to hold you and let you cry. Then to read about your mother in law. 13 miscarriages and works in a nicu. Brought tears to my eyes again. God Bless You.
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Rebecca.
I am also familiar with the pain of miscarriage and also found solace in writing about it. http://www.rantsfrommommyland.com/2010/12/sisterhood-nobody-wants-to-be-part-of.html
We are now awaiting the arrival of our son, William, within the next couple of weeks. My heart aches for you and I love following your beautiful life story. Sending strength and love across the miles.
Congratulations on your pregnancy! And thanks so much for sharing your link. Lots of love to you.
Thank you for sharing…hugs and continued prayers….I am really fortunate that I haven’t had to go through this…one of biggest fears while pregnant with my boys…
Thank you so much for your comment and prayers.
I was deeply moved by your vulnerability, Stephanie — and your experience has touched my heart. Bless you, dear one.
Thanks so much, Sandrine.
WOW. Thanks for sharing your story. That could not have been easy to do. I did not even know that you could do this at home. I think your story will really help people know what to expect. Sometimes the unknown is the worst part of a hard situation. I am praying for healing in your body and heart. Much love.
Thanks so much Jamie Lynn.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. My experience this past October was very much the same, I was almost 11 weeks along. Some days it still feels like it was yesterday, other times it seems like a lifetime ago.
Thank you for sharing. Going through a miscarriage was easier for me than it may have been since a friend shared with me many months earlier. Talking about this, and what may happen, is so important.
Thanks so much for sharing. I feel the same way already, I think how in the world has it only been two weeks and then other days I feel like I am right in the middle of it.
Hi Stephanie. I really appreciate your vulnerability and willingness to share your story. I had a miscarriage at 8 weeks about a year and a half ago (on labor day actually). It was a very surreal experience for me and it happened pretty quickly. I had been bleeding for a couple of days (lightly) and then I started having what felt like back labor when I had my twins in 2006. I was sitting on the toilet when I passed the baby and surrounding tissues. My immediate instinct was to grab the baby from the toilet and put it into the sink where I could figure out what I wanted to do. My husband and I decided to bury the baby (that we strongly felt was a girl) in the backyard. We both wrote letters to our baby (that we named Glory) and wrapped the little box containing her body in the letters and buried her. Writing the letters was a really therapeutic thing for us to do and we also read each other’s letters. It was good for me to hear how my husband was processing all of this too. We also chose to involve our twin boys who were 4.5 at the time. I wanted them know what had happened and why daddy and I were so sad. they participated in the burial ceremony with us and they still talk about their sister Glory who they will meet in heaven someday. we have a ornament that hangs on our Christmas tree in her honor. I told my story to anyone who wanted to listen. Most people just don’t talk about it and I felt like it was really important for us to talk to our close friends and family about the loss of this life. We were not expecting to ever get pregnant again so it was a real surprise for us. Thank you again for sharing your story. It brings healing.
Thank you so much for sharing. Lots of love and light to you.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I also just had a miscarraige (on New Year’s Eve) and my experience was so similar to yours (I was in the first trimester). I had no idea it was going to be so much like labor. I also had similar feelings to you–frustration that all this pain was not going to result in a baby (like labor does), and at the same time, empowerment and amazement at the female body–that my body knew what to do and all I had to do was cooperate. I also had the urge to get in the shower and the water really helped me. Writing down the experience and talking about it (like you are doing) was/is very therapeutic to me. You’re right–so many women go through this. We should be able to talk about it. Thanks again for sharing.
I wonder why OB’s do not do a better job of preparing women for what it is going to be like! I am seriously beginning to think they do not even know! Thanks so much for sharing. Lots of love and healing to you.
It is so touching to read your story. I experienced 3 miscarriages before the live birth of my son– in fact my husband and I never thought we would be able to have children at all. Each loss was devastating. I think what I can appreciate most about your story is that what you experienced (and what I experienced) is an actual birth story (albeit a shitty one)– not a “heavy period” as so many resources (ie books, websites, etc) describe miscarriages to be. You do go through labor, from contractions to the delivery of the placenta and embryo or fetus, and it should be treated as such. It is so important emotionally for you to have allowed your body to go through the process from start to finish; to be able to say goodbye to your baby and your pregnancy. All of my miscarriages were carried out at home and over the course of several days, and I think it is best that way. I was able to say goodbye, and to cry, and to share the moments with my husband, who was similarly grieving.
Thank you for sharing your story. I can only imagine how many other women you have helped by putting yourself out there. Sending big hugs your way mama.
Thanks so much for the hugs, sending some right back to you!
Been there and done that…twice actually… and I feel your pain (no pun intended). It was an awful experience for me the first time being that I was at Disney World with my husband and his daughter and I had to pretend to be in “The happiest place on Earth” after all this happend, when I had had NO IDEA what was really happening until it was all over. The second time was almost worst than the first becauseI knew all that pain would be for nothing in the end. I felt ashamed just like you and I never even told my mother about the first one until after the second one. I know exactly how you feel and just know that it does get better and the universe has a way of balancing itself out!
Oh my gosh, I am so glad I was not at Disney! Bless your heart. Thanks for commenting, I am so glad to know that I am not the only one who felt so ashamed.
I am so very sorry for the loss of your sweet bavy. I have had 2 natural miscarriages. The first was at 13+ weeks. I started spotting and an ultrasound confirmed the baby’s heart wasn’t beating. I went through labor, but it was very gentle and my water broke with a pop. I was able to hold the baby and see that he was a boy. It was very painful emotionally, but in some ways easier than my other miscarriage. That one was at 7 weeks and it took a about a week until I felt like everything had been delivered. For me having a birth experience and holding the baby helped me to heal.
I agree, having more of a birth experience and holding the baby was very helpful for my healing process. I feel very lucky. Thanks for commenting, lots of love to you.
Sooo sorry to hear about your miscarriage hon, I know it isn’t easy either! (First hand) God be with you and your family! Hope your heart mends… mine took many years! Bless you my dear for sharing your story with us! Thank you!
Thanks so much, Debi.
So Sorry for your loss, 16 years ago I had my first miscarriage and decided I didn’t want a D&C and let “nature take it’s course”. with the other 2 miscarriages I also decided not to have the D&C. I didn’t understand why so many people had a problem with this, it was my body and my pregnancy. I even had some people say that I wasn’t even pregnant because I would have to have a D&C. The stress of having the miscarrages where compounded by the fact that someone would believe I would make up a miscarriage let alone 3 of them. So glad you shared your story, so certain people can see that this is a option and that I didn’t make it up. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.
What? Who says that! I am so sorry, lots of love to you.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience and for welcoming the stories of other women. I had 2 MCs after my daughter was born. The first one was at almost 11 weeks. This one was a lot like your story – backache, cramps, contractions, painful and my belly even swelled to the point that I looked like I was 5 months pregnant. I called the ER nurses where they told me it could or could not be a miscarriage. So I got online to find information on what to expect. Someone else had written about using a styrofoam plate to collect tissue and saving it in a ziploc in case they would do testing. My first scheduled appointment was the next morning. I could feel when my body was ready, so I went into my bathroom while my husband was sleeping. It was not like a heavy period, there was a lot of different looking “matter” that I could see, as well as an actual sack with my partially developed baby inside. I saved everything and had it in my purse at my visit. They would only usually do testing if I had 3 consecutive MCs though. I went home and got a shovel and a pretty box, drove up into the mountains and looked for a place to bury my baby since we didn’t have property of our own. I spotted a tree in an area that had the most beautiful view. I spent an hour crying and digging and saying my goodbyes. I thought I was crazy, maybe I am.
My second MC was at almost 10 weeks, was very different. Only being 1 week gestation apart, I was surprised at how unalike they were. With this one I was very moody and crazy ornery! I felt like there was so much rage in my body and I was so mean!!!! I had bad cramps and after everything was finished for the most part, it was crazy how fast those feelings of rage just left. Thank you so much for allowing me to share my experience here. I have never told anyone everything, but this has helped more than I thought it would when I started typing. I just want to add that I have since had another perfect beautiful baby girl!
Thank you so much for sharing, Lyndee. Lots of love to you.
Just found your blog from pinterest.
never expected to read a post like this. I feel your pain.. I had a natural miscarriage in May 2010 at 11 weeks and a d/c in november 2010 at 9weeks. It is the hardest thing deal to with both emotionally and physically. We tried a 3rd time and I found out was expecting last superbowl sunday.. had a beautiful healthy baby girl this past october. Everyone asks us when we are going to have another. After going through everything we did just to get one I dont think i could handle it all again if it didnt work out.
Your very blessed to have a gorgeous daughter and a wonderful husband. I am a firm believer in what is meant to be will be. A friend of ours told us that maybe we had the miscarriages because Madison had to go back to get a little cuter.. it made me feel a little better about because we knew our second miscarriage was a girl.. and I am a little biased but she is so cute
Big hugs !
Yay! For healthy baby girls!! I am glad to know I am not the only one who feels blessed with one child and doesn’t feel a need to try again. I really think their is a stima against families with only one child, I don’t get it. Thanks for commenting.
I’m so sorry, Stephanie. Thank you for sharing. I can only imagine how many women you are supporting and healing with your honest words. Many loving thoughts and hugs being sent your way.
Thanks so much, Veronica.
A miscarriage is the crappiest thing to ever happen. Thank you for being so honest. I wish no one had to ever deal with this, but you’re right that it happens to so many women. I’m not brave enough to talk openly about it because I feel like a failure and I’m afraid that people who haven’t dealt with it would say stupid things!
They are going to say stupid things, that is for sure. Thanks for sharing.
I felt the same way! I was shocked, NO ONE told me I would go through full on labor and NOT have a baby in the end. I labored at home by myself until I couldn’t take any more. I started hemorrhaging and the blood was awful. It was everywhere. I kept trying to clean it all up, but there was so much and I started to get light headed. I had a baby at the time and couldn’t wake my boyfriend up or get ahold of anyone by phone so I stuffed a bath towel in my sweatpants and drove to the hospital. I don’t remember the drive it was by the Grace of God that I got there alive. I parked way out in the parking lot and walked all the way up to the ER instead of pulling up to the overhang. No clue why! I walked in and saw a lady down the hall and hit the floor…I just remember waking up in a bed. After another several hours of labor and so much blood loss they insisted I get a DNC. I couldn’t really make the decision so they just went ahead and did it. When I woke up my Mother was there. I think they found her number in my phone… it was by far the worst day of my life and has changed everything about me. That was five years ago…and I will never be over it. The worst part is that everyone acts like it didn’t happen. My son begs to have a baby, but I barely made it through labor with him and after my second baby died I am terrified.
I really hope Penelope does not beg me one day for a baby, I bet that is so difficult. Thanks so much for sharing and lots of love to you.
That was a very eye opening story. As a single father to a daughter, I hope that she never has to go through anything like that. Thank you for sharing your life experience with the world. My heart goes out to you and your family.
I am so touched that a man took time to read this story, thank you for taking the time to comment. I do not have a relationship with my mother and my father was the one to support me through this and I am so thankful. What a lucky girl your daughter is.
I too, really appreciated reading your experience and am so sorry for your loss. I agree it is so therapeutic to talk and write about it. I just had my 3rd miscarriage – all three were different and difficult to get through – then, in the end, you don’t even have a picture of the little person you’ve lost.
I wish you all the best,
Christine
http://www.loving-attachment-parenting.com/miscarriage-pain.html
Hi Christine, thanks so much for sharing your link. I agree, a picture would have been nice. I actually asked my OB for a copy of the last ultrasound picture, even though he was dead, it was only visual thing I had to remember him and I wanted it. The OB looked at me like I was insane, but I didn’t care. Lots of love to you.
I am so sorry for your loss. I pray God heals your heart. Thank you for being so honest about your experience
Thanks so much Chelsi.
I’ve been very blessed in my life to have not gone through a miscarriage but I have several close friends who have. Its so devistating on many levels and your very right it isnt talked about enough. The wounds that it leaves are so severe but just covered up instead of being brought out into the open to heal. You are a truely brave and courageous woman with an eminse amount of strength in you. Your daughter is very lucky to have such a woman as you to look up to and use as a role model. Thank you for sharing you story Stephanie and may God bless you and your family always.
Thank you so much Angela.
I was also scanning pinterest and found your blog through a crockpot recipe post… and was moved to read this post. It brought tears to my eyes. You are so brave and strong to put this out here… I had no idea what a miscarriage could be like. I am so sorry for your loss and wish you lots of love and healing during this time.
Thank you so much, Dawn.
my son stopped moving in utero at 25 weeks gestation and was found to be in heart failure so the doctors performed an emergency c-section to try to save him before he was stillborn. he lived for 19 days in the nicu before passing away in his daddy’s arms… and here it is almost 4 years later and occassionally i just get so. fucking. PISSED OFF and WHY????? WHY ME??? WHY US? i loved him so much, i still do. his name was seth. seth gabriel. thank you for letting me talk about it. everyone gets so uncomfortable when i talk about him, because it’s been 4 years so we should be “over it” by now. it’s just that i miss him so much — my arms literally ACHE, there is PAIN — i just want to hold him one more time. and i can’t, and i never will again. and it’s not fair. i love you seth. mama loves you!
I am so glad you have a space to talk about it hear. I know what you mean, that ache. It just doesn’t go away. Lots of love to you.
I would really like to thank you for writing this. I started reading your blog just a few weeks ago, and am now currently going through a natural miscarriage at home. It has been incredibly hard, but what has gotten me through it is educating myself on what to expect and reading the stories of others who have gone through it. You are absolutely right when you say that there is so little info regarding natural miscarriage, and it seems that almost everyone is an advocate of invasive surgical procedures.
It takes a lot of bravery to discuss something that is so personal in such a public way. Please know that your courage is incredibly inspiring and I am so grateful to you for sharing this. You have helped me.
-Anna
I am so glad to hear this post helped you. My heart goes out during this time. Lots of love to you.
I am not sure how I stumbled upon this post but I am glad I did. I just barely had a miscarriage 3 weeks ago and then my last one was 3 years ago. I am always so embarrassed talking about it and I am glad you were able to open up and talk about it, it is inspiring. I am sorry for your loss but grateful for your courage. Thank you!
Thank you for your comment. Lots of love to you.
Stephanie, thank you so much for sharing your story. I had no idea having a miscarriage at 12 weeks could be like that. I recently had read a story indicating that if you miscarry after 20 weeks you have to get induced and basically birth the child and that was even a shock to me. I am not sure what I thought happened at that point! I think we are all so uninformed at times. I am 37 years old and am so blessed to have a one year old daughter. My first pregnancy was an ectopic pregnancy lodged in my right tube. I had a shot of methotrexate to dissolve it. I am lucky we caught it when we did, I was only like 4-5 weeks along. Unfortunately it caused scar tissue and my right tube is blocked. It took my body like 6 months for my hcg levels to zero out for some reason, not sure why. So we started trying again and got pregnant again. I was charting my temperature and around the time I was supposed to start my period my temperature did not drop, but I had some spotting. I told my husband, I think I am pregnant, but I know something’s not right. I went to the Doctor and she checked my hcg over several days, it was rising but really slowly. She said that according to my estrogen and progesterone levels, she thought this pregnancy was in my uterus but obviously was not viable. She asked me if I wanted another shot of methotrexate or to just let it pass naturally. I told her I wanted to go the natural route and I did. I had what I would describe as a heavy period over several days about a month later. Sometimes I think that if I wasn’t trying to get pregnant or charting my temps that I may not have even known I was pregnant. It was very hard because I had to go to work and be at meetings and in the back of my mind I was thinking “wow, I am having a miscarriage right now in front of these people and they have no idea”. It was really hard to do and I appreciate you sharing your story so much and letting others who have miscarried also have a voice.Luckily for me, my third pregnancy was a good one and as I said, I now have a beautiful baby girl. (Like another poster said, I had to have progesterone supplements to help me with her pregnancy). I have told anyone who asks about my miscarriages and also asked others about their stories and it is so common. I would wager that about 75% of the women that I have asked have told me that they have had a miscarriage. We are thinking about trying to get pregnant again and the thought scares me a little, but I want to at least try. I told my hubby if I try and have another miscarriage, we can re-evaluate. I am 37 so it’s a little scary. I wish someone would have told me how much the risks go up the later you wait to get pregnant. I always assumed I would have no problem getting pregnant but it took us 1.5 years to get a healthy pregnancy. I am looking forward to going back through your blog and doing some reading. I also appreciate the others who left their links here, I am going to read their stories now. Stay strong mama! Much love to you and yours!
Sincerely,
Sarah in Texas
Thanks you so much for sharing this personal experience. I am so sorry for you to have gone through this, what a strong woman you are. My prayers are with you as you continue to heal.
I just suffered a miscarriage in October. I was 11 weeks to the day. My husband and I have been doing infertility treatments. At 6w6d I heard the baby’s heartbeat. This was the most amazing thing I have ever heard…My baby’s heartbeat….This was my second pregnancy (the first one I never developed a fetal pole)….When I went to the ER on this day I knew that something was wrong besides the spotting I was having. The did an ultrasound in the ER and they said that they needed me to go have a real ultrasound…after waiting 5 hours (they forgot about me in the ER) I got the news that I was expecting….Your baby is dead…..So they sent me down to the ER again…They handed me pamphlets on loss…I just wanted the baby out of me so bad…I knew in my heart that I could not do this one naturally…But they told me I was going to have to wait until Monday because it was friday evening and it was not an emergency…Then they found out that my infertility doctor had to work on Saturday….So then they set me up to have surgery the next day….I am so thankful that my own doctor (very rare in the military) got to do my surgery…he told me how far the baby had made it (late 7wks early 8wks) and no one else at the hospital would tell me….he sat with me and talked after my surgery to ensure that I was ok and that we had to try again soon since they are not sure how much longer I will be fertile (I am premenopausal at the prime age of 34). I just underwent another IUI cycle and it did not work….my husband is on deployment until May and I am so wishing he was here to hold my hand thru this process…as this is a very lonely process for me because all of my friends and family have children and have not struggled with getting pregnant and do not understand all that I am going thru.
My heart goes out to you. You will be in my prayers. Lots of love to you.
I hate that these situations happen to such great people. My heart breaks as I read your blog and I empathize due to the fact my body went into preterm labor at 21 weeks with our son. I had previous bleeding everyday & the doctors thought it was normal due to the fact I didnt have any other symptoms but when I was in labor (I didnt know because this was my first pregnancy) and didnt go to the hospital til it was too late. I had delivered him an hour later at the hospital & he only lived a few minutes. So when I read others going through similar pain its bittersweet to know I am not the only woman to experience this type of tragedy.
Best wishes and God bless you and your family!
My heart breaks for you too. Thanks for your comment and lots of love and light right back at you.
Stephanie,
My heart aches for you and I appreciate your sharing this experience. As someone who is not a mother I think sometimes in the past, almost just as when I was a child, I have heard about miscarriages and have always seen it as a major disappointment. It never hit me until I read this what a drawn out, painful experience it is. I thought to myself, “my goodness, of course the baby doesn’t just disappear”. And I think you made the point that it needs to be talked about because otherwise people that have been through it have this traumatic experience so heavy on their heart, and people who have not can be completely ignorant. My mother had a miscarriage when I was a child and we never talked about it. So thank you, we all benefit from the light, and the truth, even if only to make us better supporters, more sympathetic, more loving, more compassionate, and more thankful for what a miracle a healthy child is. Blessings and peace to you and Peter and Penelope.
Thanks so much, Heidi. Hope you are doing well.
I was wondering if there was a way to email you a question?
Thanks so much!
Leslie Greene
greenemom@austin.rr.com
Yes, maam. Mamaandbabylove@gmail.com
I have been a childbirth instructor and advocate of natural birthing for many years. I have been with and counseled parents who have been through really hard times surrounding their pregnancies, births and also miscarriage and still birth. It is so heartbreaking, and especially when like you say, there just are not many resources for helping women in the difficult moments. Often these things happen suddenly and most unexpectedly and we just aren’t prepared. Some doctors show compassion and others are rather blunt. I commend you for choosing to go home and allow your body to do its natural process of birthing your baby. And a forum for helping others understand and be comforted by those who have been through this experience is a wonderful tool where women can come out of feeling isolated and alone. Thank you for the reaching out and connecting that opens up hearts and feelings for sharing and giving support. The only thing that bothers me about it is the swearing. I know hurt causes anger and when we feel anger we need to express it…but we are talking about the loss of a sweet baby child here and somehow I have to believe there is a way to express hurt and loss and anger with words (especially written words) that don’t demean the world of the innocent child that has passed…honor these precious human babies who were here for such a short time by choosing better verbage…not gutter talk. I know the F word is real common…but it still comes from the gutter…I know there will be those who choose to be offended by my request here…I just want to stand for respect in telling the story of these babies and yourselves using words that honor while describing what happened to them as well as what happened to their moms and dads in the tragedy.
Thanks for your comment. I understand how you feel about cussing and you are not the only one. However, this is my blog and my story and I feel that cussing and telling the story as I felt it/see, being 100% authentic and honest, is honoring my family and my child.
Stephanie…. I read your story and am very happy to have done so. It is one that relates the physical, mental and spiritual components of pregnancy/birth/loss. Unfortunately this is something I see 1 to 4 times a month … I encourage the mama to talk about it. It is an important part of the process. Sometimes they are very matter-of-fact, seeing this as an unhealthy pregnancy and even with the loss, feel fine about it, and others are completely devastated. Sometimes they loss happens right away, sometimes months, yes months, later. We are all so different in how we want to deal with pregnancy losses. I read so many of the comments from your readers and that is the reason I write here. It goes back to the beginning of my comment…. and I can see by the readers’ responses that it touched them in many ways. Thank you for sharing your story. I will bookmark it for others to read when they’re ready. (I too had one that started at 12 weeks and finished at 13 weeks).
Thanks so much for reading and commenting Alice, it means a lot to me.
Thank you for sharing! I too think its so important to tell our stories so we can remove the stigmas attached to them. My first pregnancy was an early first trimester and resembled a period, I blogged about it, was bitter and had to grieve for quite some time. My second pregnancy was perfect & gave me my beautiful 2 year old son. Then, my third pregnancy ended in a stillbirth at 33 weeks due to placental abruption just this December. I was very open about the experience and started a whole new blog dedicated to my son, Wentworth which has helped me immensely. I’ve received so many messages from other women who read my blog and shared their own stories of loss and while they all break my heart I’m so glad my blog gave them the courage to finally share. I hope to have another child but in the meantime I am cherishing the family I already have
Thanks so much for commenting and sharing your story. I am so sorry for both your losses. Lots of love to you.
Thank you for sharing your story publicly. No one talks about this. Women should. I was pretty young when I had my first pregnancy/first miscarriage/natural miscarriage. That shit is scary. I have had a couple and did do the D & C one of the times. Both ways suck. And to be honest f-bombs help. Sometimes the women in my family didn’t talk about it and about their own. I think that is a shame. I needed that talk instead of it being hushed.
I now have a little boy and love him dearly!
XO
Word. That shit is scary! Congrats on your sweet boy!
Your strength and courage in sharing your story is simply humbling. Thank you for shedding light on this topic that we women would much rather pretend didn’t exist. While I have not had a miscarriage, many of my relatives, friends and co-workers have. There does seem to be a lot of shame and guilt involved… I think giving it a voice/bringing it into the light can make it seem so much less powerful, if not banish it all together. I pray that you and many other women will find healing through your words.
I am the biggest idiot in the entire world. My sincerest apologies for my cluelessness this morning. Bless you for having been through this ridiculously unfair circumstance. My heart, love and prayers to you and your family. You are, with out a doubt, officially, the strongest and bravest real person I know. If you can find peace in this, we all can surely find peace in our lives. Thank you for inspiring me to feel this and to appreciate all of the parts of life.
You are not an idiot at all! You probably thought I was insane talking about baby Jesus this morning, too funny. Thanks for your sweet words.
So sorry you had to go through this. Thank you for posting your story. Sending lots of prayers for healing and blessings your way.
Thanks so much Ashley.
very sorry for your loss.
when i read your story… the hurt came flooding back to my heart of my 14w loss in 2009. It is still raw today. A natural miscarriage gets the societal reaction of suicide, lucky for me to have experienced both. I lost my brother 11years ago to suicide. So many people say/do all the wrong things & there is very little support for situations like this. I found out the day before there was no heartbeat so I spent the day on the couch snuggling my 2.5 & 1year old sons & scheduled my D&C not knowing there was another option. Baby had other plans & came on her own @5:18pm. Horridly I scooped her from the toilet & sobbed & sobbed. Perfect looking little baby with fingers & toes. Mortified I sat on the bathroom floor crying, waiting for my husband to come home. On our way to the hospital (i passed out due to blood loss) i glanced to my neighbor across the street, she too was pregnant & due 2 weeks after me, to see her light up presumably her 15th cigarette of the day. All I could think… “f this shit! I did it all right, & yet shes the one still pg! its just not fair!” A horrible place to be but lots of cussing & tears is what got me through. Thanks for sharing your story & hopefully your bravery will help other moms work through their losses as I wish it was there for me. Peace & Love -Jessie
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am so glad you got to hold your baby. I know what you mean, I saw a pregnant 15 year old today and boy did some not nice thoughts cross my mind, but I pulled it together. It is not fair, but the trick is not get bitter. How to do that, I am not sure!
Hi Stephanie, I am so sorry . Words cannot express. I have had 2 miscarriages and trying to get information on the how and why of miscarriage is like pulling teeth. I had my second miscarriage last May. The week before I went on vacation I was almost at 12 weeks and my baby had a normal heart beat everything looked good. I felt great ( little morning sickness, just occaisonal bout of nausea) I went on vacation and I started spotting , just a bit here and there. I didnt think anything of it. I am from Kentucky, so we were on the coast of Washinton state visiting. By Saturday , the day we left, I was wearing a pad, but really no pain. I was just really irritable and just wanted to get to Memphis and then the short trip to Louisville. We got seated on the plane and an hour into our flight the contaractions started. We were in the tail section 4 rows from the galley and bathrooms. I was cold and they started coming. I counted to 100 and and just had to keep getting up adn going to the bathroom . It was quick the baby finally slid out. I couldnt retrieve the baby, I just stood there and looked down at my baby. I said a prayerr and I never blamed God, I just accepted it and put my faith in him.We finally got to Memphis and made our flight and finally home. I didnt cry once since I lost my baby. But my husband was waiting for me. He never said a word as he wrapped me in his arms and I cried so hard. I am doing ok, My doctor never gaave me any answers, there was a little tissue left in side me for them to test, They took blood work, my chromosones are all normal, no sicknesses or cancer. Just no answers or closure. I ask myself, if I had stayed home and not went on that trip, would I have a normal pregancy? Its devasting.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. That must have been insane miscarrying on a plane! I can’t even imagine. Everyone keeps saying I am strong, but YOU are strong. Lots of love and light to you.
We lost our baby, Hope, at almost 13 weeks back in November. I appreciate your speaking out about your loss. Far too many women go through the deaths of their babies alone. I love that you spoke about your loss. & love even more how honest you were. My husband, too, chased down the doctor to confirm death, because ‘no heartbeat’ wasn’t enough for him. We opted for an at home deliver, as well, & I remember, once everything was over, the blood seemed as though it would never stop. It felt as if my womb was crying for our baby. The website mend.org really helped me. It’s a support group for Mommies Enduring Neonatal Death (thus, mend). I hated that when we left the hospital, no one said “here’s a support group.” We women need to support each other more. & I believe being open & honest (as you have been here) is a wonderful place to start.
I am so, so sorry you lost your baby. I hurt for you & your family.
I bet my husband will be glad to read that he is not the only father who needed that kind of confirmation. Thanks so much for sharing. Lots of love to you.
I’m so happy that you shared this, and that so many other women responded. What an important issue to discuss and shed light on!
We lost our first pregnancy at only 5 weeks, so yes, it was like a heavy period (the heaviest and most painful I’d ever endured, though). I, too, remember passing what only looked like a mass of tissue at the time, but I still believe it was the baby. Of course, I was too distraught (and not even at home – we were on vacation) to think through how I’d want to preserve it, so it went down the toilet with the rest of the blood. This makes me sad, thinking back on it now. But I can’t change the past. Unfortunately, my husband left for Basic Training 11 days later and our grief and newfound separation, combined with the culture shock of Army life for him, was almost enough to make him quit and come right back home. But in the end, I think having his new career to focus on gave us the distraction we needed to remember that life will go on and the blessing of a baby will come in due time. Thankfully, when he arrived home three months later, I was ovulating, and we conceived our now beautiful, ginger-haired 2yo, Heidi London. And she is the apple of our eyes.
The odd part about miscarrying for me was that my mom had only me, then developed genetic translocation, a chromosomal disorder where a woman can conceive a baby, but cannot carry to term. After me, she had 3 miscarriages (all first trimester), and my parents ended up adopting my brother. Not knowing if this was hereditary, I had myself tested and the tests came back clear, so you can imagine the loop I was thrown for when I started spotting and realized I was miscarrying. Of course, in my naiveté, I hadn’t realized just how common miscarriages are, and that I still may be a candidate for a lost pregnancy.
All that to say: THANK YOU. You are a brave woman. And I bet every time you look at your garden, you remember the love that created those lives, and feel the hope of one day joining them in heaven.
Peace to you and your family.
Thanks so much for sharing your story and your sweet words.
thanks so much for sharing your story and journey through your process. We lost our 4th baby in November and I opted for the 1st time to deliver at home, my process didnt go as smoothly as I ended up in the hospital having a d&c and 4 blood transfusions
Its been a long road but knowing other women know the feelings you feel and knowing you arent alone brings such a comfort and peace in such a painful time. Hugs to you and thank you so much for your courage and strength it is inspiring.
Thanks for sharing your story. Lots of love to you.
Stephanie,
I am so sorry for your loss. I too have suffered a miscarriage. Being only 16 at the time, my doctor gave me no choice to have a natural miscarriage but instead sent me to the hospital for a d&c. I remember waking up wanting my baby.. and being told its gone. I feel your pain and suffering, and my heart, thoughts and prayers go out to you. I am now 18 years older with two beautiful girls. I am also a labor and delivery nurse at the very same hospital. I have worked very hard to design a program for mothers that come in after they find out there is no heart beat and choose to be induced. My heart goes out to these mothers and I try to make their experience what it needs to be for them. I spend the extra time getting to know these families, and design their care around their needs. I am currently scheduled to do more education so that I can teach my fellow nurses how to care for these amazing and special families. It breaks my heart that you were not even told the simple words “Im sorry” Those two words mean so much even if the phrase is so short. You are an amazing women to be able to go thru what you did and thank you very much for sharing it with us.
The world needs more women like you! A grounded, loving and empathetic L&D nurse is hard to come by these days. Thanks for all your hard work, keep it up!
I send you kisses and hugs from Montreal. I had two similar miscarriages one after the other and I thought I was never going to have babies. I hurt physically and mentally for a while… but then, thanks God I had two normal pregnancies (also one after the other as if to make up for the time) and two healty boys. Hang in there and thanks for sharing!
Thanks so much, Alice.
I came on here to get your bbq chicken recipe and instead found this story. It must be fate, though — I just miscarried my baby bean at 12 weeks. I was at home as well… until I passed out and then we went to the ER.
My heart goes out to you. I’m so sorry for your loss. Wishing you all the best.
So sorry for your loss too.
My first baby died at 3 months but I carried till 5 months. I wont go through the whole story because even after 20 years it’s hard (the loss) my second baby I lost at 3 months (first on Christmas second on Easter, I dont think there is a worse thing you can emotionally go through the the loss of a child you are expecting. I not only cussed, I got DRUNK when they told me I carried my dead baby for 2 extra months. My husband told me baby maybe you shouldn’t drink and I said “what the f does it matter, it’s dead” I had 2 dnc’s but walking into that hospital pregnant and walking back out “not” pregnant was the most horrible feeling in the world. I had never felt such a “loss’ I never felt like it was my fault or that I wasn’t good enough, I just felt empty….You are stronger then I will ever be, I could not go through that pain at home I doubled over in the floor on the second one and couldn’t get back up. We went to the ER and went from there. I now have 4 beautiful children. God bless you and I know what you went through…*HUGS*
Thanks so much for sharing your story. You make me feel much better! I have drank about half a bottle of wine every night! Lots of love to you.
I want to thank you so much for sharing this story. I’ve never been pregnant or experienced anything like the pain of losing a child, but I am appalled at the stigma that is still associated with miscarriage. The only way to get rid of it is for more courageous people like you to share their stories and normalize the process. It is so difficult to heal when people are forced to hide their pain, so thank you for being such an open and honest voice. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
Thanks so much for your comment, Meredith.
Thank you so much for writing this post. Its true, miscarriage it a part of most women’s lives, and not enough people get to talk about it, just to acknowledge it, and receive support. I really, really appreciate that you shared your story here.
I came here for your freezer crock pot recipes and stumbled upon this story. I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your journey. You are right that miscarriage, while common, it not talked about nearly enough. Natural miscarriage (especially when a woman chooses it over a D&C) is talked about even less. So much of your story resonates with me. I lost my first pregnancy in a missed miscarriage at 12 weeks. My husband and I had been so excited and so hopeful. I was only 26 and had never had any health problems. My mom had three children without a single miscarriage. I had all of the typical pregnancy symptoms, including morning sickness. We had no clue anything was wrong until my first prenatal appointment at 10 weeks when my MW was unable to find a heartbeat via Doppler and my progesterone levels came back extremely low. We scheduled an ultrasound for the next morning, but I knew in my heart that it was over and cried myself to sleep. The ultrasound confirmed that the fetus was dead and had stopped growing (probably due to a chromosomal anomaly) at 6 to 7 weeks. For some reason, my body failed to recognize this and kept going along like the pregnancy was still viable. The ultrasound tech said there wasn’t much to see except some shapeless tissue and a healthy placenta, but I couldn’t bring myself to look at the screen. Like you, I didn’t want a D&C. I’m naturally minded and a D&C seemed so cold and invasive and carries legitimate health risks. I figured I would be a lot less traumatized by allowing my body to “take care of things” naturally. Unfortunately, it took another two horrible weeks of emotional turmoil and anxious waiting for the cramps to start. Even though there wasn’t much left of the baby, it was a lot worse than a “bad period” for me to. It felt like someone was ripping into my uterus with razor sharp claws. Fortunately I was with my mom at my parent’s house. When the pain got horrendous, she encouraged me to walk, which helped speed things up, I think. So we walked down a country road, me in excruciating pain, bawling my eyes out, feeling much the same as you. All this pain and for F&#*@$^ what??? I still get a little sad sometimes when driving down that stretch of road, which is sad in itself, because that’s my road, where I grew up. It was a shit experience to say the least, but I don’t regret doing it naturally. It allowed me to regain a tiny bit of the trust in my body that I lost due to the miscarriage itself. It’s nice to hear from another woman who made the same choice.
In happier news, I gave birth to a healthy baby girl in July of 2011. I like to think that it was her I lost the first time and she just had to wait a little longer to join my husband and I. I know that idea doesn’t jive with everyone’s belief system, but it allowed me to heal. Big hugs to you! I wish you grace and peace as you continue to mend. Thanks again for speaking out so personally and candidly about something that is usually swept under the rug.
One last thing, to anyone who has had a miscarriage (especially repeat miscarriages) – have your progesterone levels checked! Apparently low progesterone is an often overlooked cause of miscarriage. It is diagnosed with a simple blood test and treated with a simple supplement. Some doctors won’t test for it unless you have had 3 miscarriages, but this is CRAP!!! No woman should have to go through that if there is a easy solution to the problem. Insist on being tested. I was on progesterone supplements with my last, successful pregnancy.
Thanks so much for sharing your story, Brooke.
Thank you, thank you for sharing your story. It’s been a little over 8 years since my miscarriage. Since then, I have often thought of this quote by Barbara Kingsolver: “A miscarriage is a natural and common event. All told, probably more women have lost a child from this world than haven’t. Most don’t mention it, and they go on from day to day as if it hadn’t happened, so people imagine a woman in this situation never really knew or loved what she had. But ask her sometime: how old would your child be now? And she’ll know.”
We learned at our 12 week appointment that our baby had died at 8 weeks along. I decided to wait for it to happen naturally, 4 weeks later. I am so grateful for those 4 weeks – to adjust, to mourn, to say goodbye. When my body finally decided it was time to let go, it happened quickly, in just a weekend. It was the first time I’d ever been in labor. It was agony. And it was powerful. I really did feel like I’d passed through the valley of the shadow of death, and emerged a completely different person: a little sadder, a little stronger, a lot more compassionate. We lived in a city apartment, but my husband’s family let us bury our little one under a big tree in their country yard. I agree, in general we don’t talk about pregnancy loss as openly as we should. Thank you again for *all* your words and the help they are to the rest of us. Blessings and healing to you and your family.
I just want to say how sorry I am, and I agree it is bullshit! I too came here for your freezer crock pot recipes (thank you, by the way) and read this entry. Your story sounds eerily similar to mine, and I’m glad you shared it. I found out I was pregnant last January a few days after my birthday, and had some bleeding episodes the following months and was put on bed rest. I went in for my 13 week appt, heard the heartbeat and thought “whew we made it” only be in the ER 3 weeks later with light bleeding and unbearable cramps. I was in labor, and the baby had passed at 15 weeks 2 days on April 10th. My husband and I decided to go home that night and do everything naturally. The next morning my water broke and everything progressed quickly. I too was really glad we got that time to hold and see our baby.
I admire your strength to post this and put your raw feelings out there. I don’t get the stigma behind keeping miscarriages a secret. The first one I kept a secret but the second I didn’t, why should I have to? I’m glad you have found some peace and are able to move on. It’s been almost a year now and it still hurts, it’s good to know I’m not the only one whose going through this, and I wish more women would share their stories! I’ll be keeping you and your family and in my thoughts =)
Thank you for sharing your story and inspiring us to share our experiences with one another rather than keeping them private. Words cannot describe how much comfort your words have given me.
Thank you for sharing your story! I feel the pain you are living. Time will eventually help, but there will always be those anniversaries; first day of school, time to play tee-ball, time to get a driver’s license, high school graduation etc. I miscarried my third pregnancy; after having two beautiful daughters, I lost a son. I was home alone and was lucky ( if one can be in this situation) that I delivered the baby and placenta in about a 30 minute time span. Even though it was quick , it was not painless. I was about 16 weeks and delivered a tiny little person. It happened over a weekend, I thought I had a stomach virus or food poisoning. This was many years ago and the attitude was that I should just be able to get over it in a couple of weeks but that doesn’t happen. After a long grieving process, it seemed as if every where I went someone was pregnant or had a new baby, I became pregnant again without trying or thinking about it. Have now had a two successful pregnancies since my miscarriage and finally got a son to make my life complete. Thank you again for sharing, hopefully someone else will be comforted by your story. I wish I could have had the comfort of knowing that others had gone thru the same type situation.
Stephanie, what a brave woman you are to tell your story in hopes of helping out another woman. I, like some other commenters, came to your blog through Pintrest looking for crockpot recipes and stumbled upon your story. Although I have never suffered a miscarriage, I am a mom, and your story moved me to tears. I admire your strength and resilience. Penelope is a lucky girl to have a mom like you.
Thanks so much, Tammy.
I came across your blog from Pinterest, while looking for crock pot recipes, and I found this post. I just wanted to thank you for taking the time to write this. You are right, for something that happens so often, no one talks about it openly enough, and for a woman to go through it, it makes you feel very alone.
I miscarried my first pregnancy this past summer, and it was devastating. I was only 7 weeks, and that was one of the most painful experiences of my life (physically), I cannot imagine what you went through twice as far along as I was.
I am so sorry for you loss, but its a wonderful thing to share it with others like you have done. Thank you.
Thanks so much for taking the time to read it.
I am so sorry to hear about your loss. I have lost two of my own. Your experience sounds horrible and I’m not sure I could have done that on my own. My first pregnancy was a miscarriage and I lost over 40% of the blood in my body because I didn’t know what was going on. I was glad to see that you mentioned to your readers that a “normal” miscarriage is like a heavy period. If someone had told me that I might not have had the experience I did. I just wanted to let other women know that if you think you are bleeding too much, you probably are. If you get to the point that you are too tired to care anymore, get to the hospital not into bed. It’s better safe than sorry. I was ready to crawl into bed and go to sleep, but my husband convinced me that we needed to go to the hospital, immediately. It was a good thing he did. I was hemmoraging and didn’t realize it.
Life has gotten much better since that day almost twelve years ago. I now have two beautiful children (seven and a half years apart in age), but they were worth the wait! I finally had to realize that God has a plan, I don’t have to know what it is, I just have to follow the game plan. Everything is in HIS time and He has really rewarded my patience.
That is good advice, if you think you are bleeding too much, you probably are. Miscarriage (and birth for that matter) are such instinctual processes, that you have to really trust your body and listen to your gut. I would like to add, that the amount of blood I lost is considered normal. I was trying to make the point, that usually earlier in pregnancy miscarriages there less blood than later in pregnancy miscarriages, at least that is how my experience has been with me. Thank you so much for sharing and lots of love to you.
Omgosh, Stephanie, your story brought back so many memories for me! I, too, had a m/c at 11 weeks and was instructed to go home and try to go through it naturally. I loved my ob but I was given no direction other than to keep trash bags under me while I was in bed. Having no idea of what too expect physically, it was the longest week of my life and full of complications. I developed an allergy to the painkillers I was on and became really sick and since I wasn’t able to pass the baby/placenta/tissue after a week of cramps and contractions, I had to have a d/c . That was 12 years ago. I wish someone could have helped me to know what to do and expect during that time of my life. I’m so glad that you are willing to be that person to someone else!! I hope that through your losses you are able to bless someone else with your wisdom (as sad as that is.). Thank you for your story. God Bless.
Thank so much for sharing, that must have been so difficult to go through. Lots of love to you.
thank you for sharing your experience. I had one as well and since it was my first pregnancy had no idea what was going on and what to expect. I hope others in need will find your site. The whole situation was horrible for me and when I did go to the hospital they were no help. So sorry for your loss.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. After having 2 health boys I have had 3 miscarriages in a row, the most recent was last month at 15 weeks. You have amazing strength and courage, my heart goes out to you and your family.
Thank you so very much for sharing your story. I am 7 months pregnant now, but my husband and I miscarried our first baby in Feb. 2011. Mine also happened at 12 weeks, and I have to say that as much as I really liked my OB, I truly believe that they all take the same class on how to handle delivering that news. I was alone at that particular appointment, it was my very first pregnancy, and all the ultrasound tech told me was that there was no heartbeat. Logically I fully understood what that meant, but in my head I was holding onto hope that my baby was fine. As you mentioned, no one ever said “dead baby”. It sounds harsh, but that’s exactly what I needed to hear. What I didn’t need was to hear that there was no heart beat, and then be stuck in an exam room for an hour waiting for the doctor. But I digress. At the time, my husband and I elected to go with a D&C, because I had to frame of reference for this type of situation. I felt like I had done something wrong, that I had failed at my job of protecting my baby. Soon after I discovered that most of the women in my family and my husband’s family had experienced at least one miscarriage. I think women need to be more open about this topic. I know it would’ve helped me to talk to another woman who knew what I was going through. So thank you again.
Thanks for sharing your story. My first pregnancy miscarried at 10 weeks. I was so ignorant. I didn’t know what was going on. I didn’t know I could have told the well-meaning people to go home and leave me alone. I didn’t know I had choices. I didn’t know I might have held my baby in all that mess. And now I sit here and grieve again, as I have countless times over the last dozen years. I was grateful to avoid the d&c, as my body took care of everything in few short hours. I think of that baby every July 21st, the day she should have been born. She’d have turned 12 this coming summer. Maybe everything happens for a reason. I don’t know. My faith tells me I’ll meet her someday, but I’d much rather have had the opportunity to know her now. But life goes on and it’s time to think of dinner for the 3 I have been privileged parent in the here and now. Peace.
I didn’t want to read the post, but I forced myself to. I read the whole thing with tears streaming down my face. I am so sorry for the loss of your baby. Iam sorry you had to go through such a traumatic experience. I had a similar experience myself at 13 weeks, and we buried our baby out in front of my kitchen window. I spent the following two weeks taking care of myself, one of my sons, and husband while we were sick with the stomach flu, so I never felt like I got to recover and mourn. Reading your story in detail brought all those memories and feelings back. I admire your courage to share it with the world, as I know it will help many women who need comfort and reassurance.
it is clear from all of these powerful comments, that by being brave enough to share your story, you have helped and supported heaps of others, myself included. i am so sorry for your loss, i know how devastating it is. i also know how bizarre the stigma of talking about it is, i was truly shocked after losing my baby at how ‘unmentionable’ it felt around even my close friends and loved ones. three cheers to you for breaking that stigma and reaching out to so many women who know and can sympathize with your pain. we are so grateful.
Thanks so much for taking the time to comment Claire, hope you are doing well.
I was just looking through your blog and came across this post. I just want to say how sorry I am that this happened. I’m so sorry for the loss of your little one.
Thanks so much, Samantha.
I am so sorry you had to go through that! I have had two babies in the past almost three years and my first one, perfect beginning of the pregnancy and then at 33 1/2 weeks my blood pressure rose and I was in the hospital and my son was born. Tiny 3 lb. 12 oz. I didn’t get to see him for two hours after he was born because the spinal had to wear off. And of course I was a first time mom leaving the hospital to go home without my baby…I CRIED HARD! Three weeks of daily visits, constant pumping and storing milk and all his baby pictures he is covered in an oxygen tube up his nose, a feeding tube (strangely up his nose), and monitor wires on his chest and feet. He had Jaundice and I actually had a nurse tell me that I could hold my baby cause he needed the light…I told her that my son needs to feel his momma, smell his momma and be loved by his momma (wanted to tell her to F*** off no one was going to tell me I couldn’t hold my baby)…so naturally I did! Then 17 months after my first son was born I got pregnant again BUT I had a hemorrhage where the egg had attached itself, and an ovarian cyst. So the beginning of this pregnancy I was on bed rest with a toddler. Not easy at all! But through that pregnancy my blood pressure never elevated and the hemorrhage and the cyst eventually went away. I grew a very active baby boy who went full term. You are so right how pregnancies can be different! To this day my eldest is calm where as my 8 month old wants your attention ASAP 24/7. I believe that God has a plan for us all. By having my first 7 weeks early, the doctor was able to monitor me closer for my second. I had weekly visits and ultrasounds. Don’t give up! God has a plan for you and though it is hard to take having Faith that he will take care of you and give you what you need, will make you stronger.
“God doesn’t give you anything you can not handle, I wish he didn’t trust me so much” Mother Teresa
Thanks so much for sharing your story and commenting. So happy for you and your two healthy boys!
wow. i just stumbled upon your blog. thank you thank you thank you for sharing. it’s been almost 7 years since i lost my 2nd baby at between 6-8 gestation. i am grateful that the loss was, physically, easy-like a heavy period. emotionally and mentally, it is a loss that i still grieve deeply. something that is tucked deep down inside me; it’s hard to share. but i find so much comfort in the community of women who have had similar experiences. thank you for sharing your story.
Thank you for your beautiful, descriptive, brave and heartfelt post. I cried and smiled and offered up prayers for you all. I have never personally experienced a miscarriage, but have struggled with infertility, and had 2 very difficult pregnancies – with the constant fear of miscarriage – that both ended with natural full-term (hospital/midwife) childbirth. I stumbled upon your blog today after seeing the freezer meals on pinterest. I have since copied them all with the intention of making them very soon, and subscribed to the email feed! With the little time I’ve had to look over your blog, I feel that we are kindred spirits in so many ways. Because of this, I wanted to share some info with you. I teach the Creighton Model FertilityCare System (an updated, scientific form of NFP), and only have my babies because of NaProTechnology (the cooperative medical science that resulted from the FertilityCare System). You mentioned not being sure you want another pregnancy – and I feel the same way, though I would love more children!!! There should be more info on miscarriages, and in many cases there are simple, safe, natural ways to prevent them! If you have any questions, I would love to visit with you about it, or check out our websites – there is a lot of great information! Thanks again for your wonderful post(s) – I can’t wait to read more!
I am so sorry for your loss. My heart breaks with you, and I wish you peace and healing upon the loss of your baby.I had 2 miscarriages in 2003, 3 1/2 months apart. I started spotting, and at the ER, the doctor said “well, it doesn’t look good”, no I’m sorry, nothing. I completely lost it, so badly my sweet hubby took me to see a preist on the way home. The second one, there was just no heartbeat. I opted for a D & C both times. We had the babies blessed , and I have my “Baby Box” in the top of the closet with their baptismal certificates, the shell that was used to pour Holy Water on the babies, the crib toy we bought…it has been 8 years, and I still cry when I open the box. As horrible as my miscarriages were, I wouldn’t have my second daughter if they didn’t happen; and she is a true belssing. Many healing thoughts are coming your way.
How wonderful that you had the babies blessed! That thought never even occurred to me. Thanks for sharing. Lots of love to you.
I can’t even image what you must have felt like. When I was 23 I became pregnant for the first time, but it resulted in a missed miscarriage at 8 weeks. I had a horrible experience with the doctor who did the ultrasound, she made me feel like I was crazy and was so casual about the news. I was at that appointment alone and just cried in my car on the phone to my mom who immediately came from 3 states away on the bus to be with me and get a second opinion. Since it was a missed miscarriage I had the choice to wait, get a dnc or take the pills to help me because my body hadn’t recognized what happened yet. I wanted to wait, but I was pressured not to. So I took the pills. I thought that it was the worst thing I’ve ever experienced, it was so painful and like you said, you get nothing in the end. I fortunately was able to take a few days off while all the bleeding and cramping subsided. I am now 26 and have a beautiful 17 month old daughter. Going through the beginning of the pregnancy with her was so stressful, whenever we checked to hear the heartbeat and it was there I would just cry with relief. I was scared my whole pregnancy.Plus, I had the stress of my mom being hospitalized for 2 months and then suddenly passing away. I thought the stress was hurting my baby, but she is so vivacious, curious and smart I know she was just chilling in there the whole time. I want one more. If I could just have a little copy of my fiance (boy) I feel my life would be complete, but I had not even considered what if I miscarry again. I am sitting here with tears running down my face. Another poster said that it had been 4 years and people expected her to get over it. Shit on them! Thank you for sharing this story miscarriage is such a taboo topic, it mkaes it hard for those who go through it.
Thanks for saying, shit on them! I love a fellow potty mouth.
Thanks for sharing your story. Yeah, I was a wreck with Penelope’s pregnancy, constantly peeing on pregnancy tests and worrying and of course felt guilty that I wasn’t all zen for her.
I also stumbled here looking for your crockpot recipes. So glad I did. I had my first and only miscarriage in 2003. Just typing that seems unreal to me, it feels emotionally like yesterday. I was 14 weeks pregnant and we were scheduled for an ultrasound, they were actually going to attempt to determine the sex of our baby. I had just had my youngest daughter in Feb and was due with this baby the next Jan 18th. My husband, baby Zoe and I together were at the ob office waiting to see our baby. It was July. Zoe was 5 months old. They listened to the heartbeat. There wasn’t one. They said we would do the ultrasound anyway in case she was hiding. I was already devastated. My heart knew before my ears heard it. My dr said the baby had stopped growing 2 weeks before. I had NO pain, spotting. Nothing. We sat there devastated. The nurse and doctor both showered us with appologies and sympathy. They took Zoe to play in another room to give us a moment alone. 2 days after my visit my midwife called me to check on me. I did choose the d and c. I seriously REGRET that decision everyday. I never got to see my baby, touch her or know anything about her. James and I always assumed the baby was a girl. Mia was the name we gave her. I asked my dr at my post op appt about the baby and he said she was just a mass of tissue. I now know this was F’n bullshit!!! I am still angry at myself for my decision, angry at the world my baby dying, guilty that maybe I caused this and sad that my kids never knew her, that we never spent a moment together. Why her? Why us? My heart breaks for you and your family. The thought that you have endoured this pain and loss once is enough, but to have more than once is so unfair and horrible. I commend you for sharing this story. By the outpouring of support you can see what it means to so many. Thank you
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I can’t imagine having to go through that at only 5 months post partum from your first baby! The doctor may have been telling the truth, for whatever reason, not every baby stays intact on the way out. Mia is such a beautiful name. Lots of love to you.
The strength of a woman. That’s what I thought after reading this. And yes, it’s complete f’ing BS! <3
Thank you for saying that!
Wow. Just wow. I’ve miscarried at home naturally twice, but read this with my jaw dropped. My first miscarriage was at 11 weeks (the second was an earlier 7 weeks) and still was nothing like you described, for which I am so very grateful! I’m so sorry you had to endure such pain!
Thanks for your sweet words. What was your experience like?
Stephanie, You are my hero! And I originally thought it was just because of your amazing crock pot recipes! You are so brave to write about this very personal and tragic experience. I too, have been through miscarriages, and thankfully have a beautiful 3 year old daughter. It is maddening when people ask me why I stopped at one. Hopefully your story will open peoples eyes to the very real fact that not only do miscarriages happen when we are trying to have a baby, but they can also be the reason to STOP trying. I am pouring all of my love and energy into my daughter, and enjoying every minute of it!
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
Thank you so much for your comment. I am dreading the flak I will get from friends and family about only having one child.
I am so sorry for your loss.
Thanks Marissa.
I lost three before having my son – I know too well what it is like. Thank you for sharing your experience – you are very brave.
Thanks so much Julie.
I was searching for recipes on Pinterest and came along this…My heart and prayers goes out to you and your family…In 2007 I got pregnant for the first time, I was so excited and the when I went for my 20 week ultrasound to find out what were having it took a drastic turn around. We found out that day that our baby boys kidneys were failing and his lungs were not developing, we were crushed. We were told that he would probably die before I would go in to labor but the days went on and we continued to pray and hold on to our faith, At 32 weeks I went into labor and our baby boy was born, he was quickly rushed to NICU and later on we got to hold him while he was on life support. 4 hours later they said there was nothing they could do and pulled the plug. Since then we have had a little girl and she is a true blessing but I am still crushed, each day gets a little easier but not a day goes by that I dont think about my Noah. Prayers and hugs to yall!
Oh that is awful, so sorry to hear that. Thanks so much for sharing, lots of love to you.
When I went through my miscarriage Jan 2010 I searched for information on the web because I was told on a Friday the baby had passed and was sent home for the weekend to let it happen naturally. There was very very little to be found and I had no real idea what to expect. After the miscarriage when women would ask me how I was doing I asked them if I could share my story with them so if they ever, heaven forbid, had to go through one they would have an idea of what was going to happen. Thank you for sharing your story.
I really, really hope this post changes that for future women. Blessings to you.
Firstof all I am sorry for your loss. When my son was 11 months old we got pregnant but 10 weeks later I started to bleed, I remembered reading that it’s completely normal so I didnt worry I just scheduled an appt to see my ob the next week. I woke in the middle of the night in so much pain I couldn’t hardley move, somehow I made it to the bathroom and just as I got my pants down I felt the baby coming out and land on the rug in front of the toilet. I sat down and delivered the placenta all the while I was crying and when it was all over I changed and went to lay in my bed. I told my husband to get rid of it because I just couldn’t deal with it especially having seen that the baby looked real with arms and legs. I think he folded the rug and placed it in a plastic bag and then took it out to the dumpster, that is my biggest regret I wish I had kept the baby and done something more meaningful or taken it with me to the ob…
Oh that is so sad. I am so sorry for your loss and having to deal with regret. Please don’t be hard on yourself. We are all doing the best we can in any given moment. Forgiving yourself is the best thing (and hardest!) thing you can do. Lots of love to you and thanks for sharing. I bet there are a ton of women who have a similar experience and are now beating themselves up.
Kudos to you for going through it naturally. I never knew that lots of people have miscarriges until I had mine august 2010. I felt so alone and then found out I wasn’t alone at all, not even close! No matter what it still hurts even though we know we aren’t alone. I wanted to do it naturally but I had a new job that I was starting less then a week later so I ended up with a D/C. I watched a friend go through it naturally and I couldn’t believe how much pain she was in =[ I’m glad to live in this day and age to know that we all can share these types of things and not feel alone. We ended up pregnant again March 2011 and had our beautiful baby boy Nov 2011. My heart goes out to you and all those that have lost a little one. I don’t know what I would do without my baby boy!
Congratulations on your baby boy! My daughter is a November birthday too.
Thank you so much for sharing this xx
Thanks so much for reading!
Thank you for sharing your experience. I am miscarrying even as I write this (though I believe the worst is over). I was only 6-1/2 weeks along, so it wasn’t as physically traumatic for me as it was for you, but it is still very painful emotionally. Your blog reminded me that I am not alone.
Oh Jill, I am so sorry to hear that. I hope its all over soon. Love to you.
Thank you so much for posting this. I just had my first miscarriage on 2/10/12. I have an 18 month old son and my pregnancy with him was perfect so when I got pregnant again I thought it would be the same thing well at 7 weeks things took a turn for the worst and I went into the doctor and they told me there was no heartbeat and I’d have a miscarriage. I was completely heartbroken, angry that this happened to us, depressed, sad, it was awful. I went home that day had back pain and contractions and the next morning the baby came out. Not knowing what to do I picked the baby up out of the toliet and held the baby and cried. The thought of flushing a baby down the toliet seemed inhumane to me so I opted not to do so. Anyhow I just wanted to say I am sorry for you loss and your so right about women not talking about it, I don’t know why they don’t. It’s bullshit that it has to happen to us.
Thanks so much for sharing. Sending you lots of healing love and light.
Stephanie….I cannot even tell you how my heart hurts for you (and all the other women who commented). I read this with tears rolling down my face…..I am inspired by your strength and grateful for your courage to share experience….Penelope is lucky to have you for a mother and Peter is lucky to have your for a wife….My little girl Mary-Ainsley is 2 1/2 and we tried for about a year to get pregnant with her and have been trying ttc again since 2/10…I am so glad I found your blog and got to read everyone’s story….i think it is so healing to know that others have read your story and shared their own….everyone wants the little soul they lost to be acknowledged….
Thanks so much sharing and for your sweet words, Amanda. You are right, everyone just wants to be heard, have a witness and be acknowledged.
It is so good to hear women talking about their miscarriage experiences. It IS fucking bullshit. All that pain for no good reason! And it needs a different fucking name. I’m not a master of semantics, but… mis-carriage… as if it were carried wrong. I think THAT is where the guilt comes from. The name itself tells us we did something wrong. Ugh ugh ugh.
I am years out from my last loss, and managed to end my childbearing days on a high note, but I still feel the need to talk about them all. The healing continues, even under the scar tissue.
Thank you for sharing your story and your research on natural options!
Thanks for joining the conversation. I agree, the world of obstetrics has some seriously deranged words and titles for things. It’s like they are purposely trying to mess with our mind and take away our power. And technically, a miscarriage is a layman’s term, the real medical term is abortion. A woman who has had several miscarriage, a serial aborter. Now that is just some craziness!
I can’t tell you how much my heart breaks for you! Thank you for sharing your story. A little over a year ago, Jan 31st 2011, I went to the doctor at 17 weeks pregnant. I was getting a sonogram and was hoping to find out the sex of the baby. My husband and two children (ages six and three) were in there with me. If I ever have another baby I have decided my children will no longer be present at sonograms. I hate that they had to witness this and I couldn’t protect them from it. The sonogram came up on a big screen on the wall right in front of us. The technician got a funny look on her face and left the room, leaving us to stare at the image of what we suddenly realized silently was our dead baby. The doctor came in and said “We can’t find a heartbeat”. He never said “I’m sorry”. I opted for a natural miscarriage, but when it didn’t happen after two weeks I had to get a D&C. It was a boy, we named him and gave him a funeral at burial at a cemetery. It is such a hellish experience, and even now a year later I am still pulling myself together. Then I had a second miscarriage in November at 6 weeks. Oddly enough both pregnancies had the SAME due date, just one year apart. The second one was like a heavy period. Thank you again for sharing your story. It gives the rest of us courage to step out of the shadows and tell our stories too. Maybe someday the result of this sharing will be that it is no longer a taboo subject and women will no longer have to suffer in silence!
Oh my gosh, that must have been hard. I am so glad I did not have my daughter in with me. Thanks for your comment and so sorry for your losses.
Thank you so much for posting this. I had a miscarriage between my two live births. It wasn’t anything like yours, but it was uniquely my own. As I read your post, I found myself smiling – our bodies ARE amazing and I’m so glad that in the midst of this sad experience you could still marvel at that. I am so sorry that you had to go through this. But I am joyful that you did it on your terms.
Thank you so much for your comment, Milaka and so sorry for your loss as well.
Thank you to everyone who posted their stories, here is mine… We became pregnant in April 2009, we didn’t know much about pregnancy and miscarriage, so my husband and I told EVERYONE as soon as we found out! Bad idea we miscarried at 6 weeks… That miscarriage was like a heavy period. Fast forward to July 2010 we’re preggers again YAY! Or not so much, we miscarried at 8 weeks… This miscarriage was much more painful, I am sure I had something like labor pains. On December 29th 2011 we’re preggers yet again, we were far more excited this time and had healed from the last two. We really felt like 3 is a charm. It was our time! We talked to the baby, about the baby all the fun stuff…. fast forward 12 weeks the bleeding started
On February 20th we miscarried again. This miscarriage wasn’t as painful as the 8 week one, It was more graphic, LOTS of bleeding! We have started all of the testing no real results yet but we are hopeful that we will find some answers. I wanted to comment and share with everyone what having 3 natural miscarriages has taught me. Miscarriage may happen in a women body but that baby belongs to a man and a women. Women often take ownership of miscarriages saying I miscarried… (any women who has been through a miscarriage, knows that as a women there is a period of self blame. I drank caffeine, I picked up something too heavy, I ate lunch meat, I had that glass of wine at 4 weeks… You know all the crazies that went through your head) Remember WE! You both suffered the loss of a baby! Men may handle it differently but they feel the emotional pain of loss just like you! DON’T BLAME YOURSELF!
Thanks so much for sharing, so sorry for your losses. It is hard to remember that our partners are grieving too, in their own way.
I fell in love with your blog and recipes a few months ago and while planning my dinners before I went grocery shopping I ran across your beautiful story. I had a miscarriage at only 5 weeks in 2006 after trying to get pregnant for almost 2 years. I started cramping and bleeding and kept telling myself, “oh this is nothing. Lots of people bleed during pregnancies and their babies are just fine”. I ended up calling my doctor and he told me to come in the next morning for a blood test. The test showed my hormone levels were fine. So I had more blood tests done every 2 days for the next week. They all showed my levels increasing so therefore I must be pregnant. I wasn’t far enough along for them to see anything on an ultrasound so this is all they could do. Bullshit (I say under my breath while coughing). In the mean time I’m bleeding and cramping. One day something about the size of a half dollar passed that was gray. I stared at that BABY and knew exactly what he was but just told myself it was just a blood clot and didn’t tell anyone. The only people who knew about what was going on were my husband and my supervisor at work. So I went along thinking and pretending I was pregnant until finally I was able to get an ultrasound that revealed there wasn’t anything in my uterus. Then I had a uterine biopsy that showed no pregnancy had ever existed. That biopsy was both physically and emotionally painful. The doctor had no sympathy (she was not my doctor, just another in my doctor’s office). They shrugged it off and sent me on my way like I had just had a pap smear. That was when I had to tell everyone what I had been going through. I didn’t want the sympathy. I just wanted to be by myself and deal with it. I wish I had told more people about what I was going through while I was going through it. I didn’t even tell my husband everything until much later. I spent the next few months hiding in the shower where I dealt with my emotions. I knew how I felt about it but everyone else made it seem like I shouldn’t be that upset about it because it hadn’t been that long. I am so happy for you to get the chance to hold your baby and still keep him close. I wish I had been brave like you and I want to thank you for sharing your story and allowing me to share mine.
I am so sorry for your loss Brandi. Thank you for sharing your story. I know many women will resonate with it. In a way, my early 1st trimester miscarriages, were almost worst because like you said, people don’t put as much validity in them. So you end up suffering alone (and in my case that was self imposed because I never told anyone). With this miscarriage, at almost 12 weeks, it seems my grief is much more socially acceptable. But they are all the same and my heart goes out to you.
I love this post. So honest! I, too, birthed a 12 week miscarriage in July 2009 . It was the most excruciating pain in my life (I took pain pills but they didn’t touch the pain) but I couldn’t bring myself to have a D&C as I couldn’t bring myself to accept that my baby was gone. It wasn’t until my body was ready that I had to accept the fact. My husband and I were heartbroken and he was my rock through it all. We will not be having another one as our son is now 17. God bless you and all your posters who have gone through similar situations.
Thanks for your comment. So sorry to hear about your loss.
Thank you to everyone for sharing their miscarriage stories. I am so sorry for your loss (es). I too, have now had three miscarriages and do not have any children. The first was a blighted ovum, which I had a d and c to remove the tissue. The second my baby’s heart stopped beating at 8 weeks 6 days. I had another d and c to have the tissue tested for abnormalities. There were none. After that, I was tested for fertility problems and was diagnosed with Thrombophilia ( a blood clotting disorder). In order to stay pregnant, I would have to have daily injections of Lovenox into my belly for my baby to get blood. After discovering this, I became pregnant for a third time. I began my injections about a week and a half after finding out I was pregnant. I had my first sonogram and there was not a fetus present. Just an empty sac. The doctors ( I had several) decided to see if the fetus would grow eventually, so it wasn’t until about the 10th week that the doctors gave up hope. I found this out on my 34th birthday. I had to take cytotec in order to expel the tissue. It was horrendous. Not only that, but my work (I’m an elementary school teacher) was not understanding at all and I was told that my absences were not benefitting my students. I went to work while miscarrying, teaching, feeling tissue fall from me and afraid that I would bleed through my clothes. My bosses told me that I needed to be on anti-depressants and that i needed to stop crying because my husband wouldn’t want someone who cries all the time. (I only cried when they confronted me about my absences— I was gone for 4 days and had doctor’s notes to back this up) My teammates didn’t help me out by making copies when I was absent ( although I have done this many times for them whenever they needed help) and told my bosses I was irresponsible (my bosses said they agreed) What the hell did these people think I was going through? This was fucking hell! I hated everything, everyone, and thought about just ending everything. I ended up taking lots of pain pills and wine just to not feel anything. I am still so pissed off from thinking back to that experience. Now, it’s been about 3 1/2 months since this last miscarriage and I’m terrified to try again. This has been the longest time I have not been hormonal, (since all of these miscarriages happened in year’s time) and I’m feeling better. I have an amazing husband and sweet dogs that help to make things fun. Right now I’m terrified of having another miscarriage, terrified of showing emotion, terrified of going to work. We are hoping to try again this summer, just in case I miscarry again, then I don’t have to miss work. This just sucks. I loved all my babies, I dream of holding them, feeling their weight in my arms, smelling their sweet baby smells. I can only hope that one day, I will be holding my sweet baby! Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories. I have often felt ashamed and embarrassed that I felt so lost during my miscarriages. Thanks for the freedom to write without fear of making people uncomfortable.
I am so sorry your losses Maria. Thank you for sharing. You have been through so much. How strong you are! Lots of love to you.
Wow, so sorry for your loss
Since turning 40, I have had 5 miscarriage. The first one was at 11 weeks, second at 10 weeks, third at 6 weeks. The other two were very early, in the second week after testing positive. I, too, chose to have my miscarriages at home. One happened while sitting in the bath for close to 4 hours. During the entire thing I read almost all of the 5th book of the Outlander series, lol. I remember looking down at one point, and the red water…I had no idea the miscarriage had started until I looked down and saw the red water. I freaked me out for a second, but then I just drained the tub and started over with fresh water, and all went well. I had mild back pain with my miscarriages, but nothing major. I homebirthed my last 3 children and so having the miscarriages at home didn’t seem like such an awful idea. I am the only one of my friends who did not go to the hospital for the D&C, and I have a lot of friends who have miscarried. But since I am also the only one of all my friends that choses to have her babies at home instead of in a hospital, I guess this shouldn’t surprise me! I am glad that I chose to have the miscarriages at home. The entire process, while sad and painful, helped me to come to terms with saying good-bye to my child. For me, that is how I needed to do it. I wanted to be in control of the birth; I did not want my child to be taken from my womb and disposed of by a doctor and nurses. I always thought “but that’s just ME” until I read this post! It’s good to see that others choose to do it the same way, that it’s not just me and some crazy notion that I have in my head
Thank you for sharing your story. His is a link to my first miscarriage experience. It’s been almost two years since it happened and I still cannot read this post without choking up!
http://www.theyallcallmemom.com/2010/06/loss.html
So sorry for your losses. Thank you so much for your comment and link to your blog, so happy to be introduced to it.
Hello Stephanie, I went to your website at my moms request, seeking a different diet for my achy belly, then saw this. I am currently 69 days late, have all the signs and symptoms of pregnancy but all tests at home are negative. In my long history of birthing live babies and having numerous miscarriages, my heart feels that this is yet another soul that won’t be born to me. I’ve been avoiding the Dr, thus trying to avoid the news and what to do about it. I’ve had only one d&c, but my last baby was born at home and if I am in the midst of another failed pregnancy, well I just prefer to stay home. Thank you so much for offering your story of loss, as well as options for a natural resolution. ~jamie
Thanks so much for reading and sharing your story as well. Sending you some love and light.
I randomly came across your blog from pinterest – then saw this post. My heart sank yet made me smile (if that is possible). I haven’t read another post (except the freezer food) but my heart is to you and your family. I am 13 weeks pregnant and it took us awhile to get here. I can’t even begin to fathom your heartache —- but for some reason I smile because as Christian (and I’m not sure if this is a proper place/time for this but …) I feel God will heal and help you and your family!! THANK YOU for sharing such an amazingly personal story to those who may have a difficult time expressing their feelings!
Thanks so much for your kind words. Congrats on your pregnancy!
Hi Stephanie,
It sounds like you and I were pregnant and miscarried at just about the exact same time. I was 12 weeks along as well, with my first pregnancy that ended in January. We had just started to announce the pregnancy to more than just our close inner circle and had a great doctor’s appointment the week before we found out. It was so devastating, I’m crying even now as I write this.
I couldn’t agree with you more when you wrote that more people should talk about miscarriages. I knew that it was a possibility, but I brushed it aside in the usual, “it won’t happen to me,” ignorance. I did EVERYTHING right from the moment we decided to start trying to have a baby 5 months prior . . . no drinking, taking vitamins, quit my allergy medication, etc. and thought that would be all it would take to overcome the 20% chance that it would happen to me and my baby.
Afterwards, several people came to me and told me that they had miscarried. I was so shocked at how many women I knew had gone through some form of the same thing! Outside of grieving with my husband, these confessions and acknowledging that miscarriages DO happen and it doesn’t make you any less of a mother or woman made all of the difference in the world. I couldn’t bring my baby back, but it was a relief.
I guess it might just be the fact that a miscarriage is something you need to go through before you can really ever truly understand the pain and emotional toll it takes, but it would sure be nice if the subject weren’t quite so taboo. Thank you for your post and I’m terribly sorry you had to go through what you did.
Hi Melissa, thanks so much for your comment. I am so sorry for your loss and that you had to go through the same thing. Sending you lots of healing love and light.
I just came across this post and I really needed to read this. I am miscarrying right now as I type this. I didn’t know I was pregnant and I’m 14 weeks in. This isn’t my first miscarriage so I knew instantly what was going on with my body and only went in to my doctor to be checked to be sure it was indeed a miscarriage and to estimate how far along I was. She is really pushing me to have a d and c. Honestly though I just don’t want to. I feel like since I didn’t even know I was pregnant i should be able to at least birth this baby and have as much time with getting use to the fact I’m not ever going to see him/her develop. I feel like such ashamed and like a failure. I honestly am still in shock. Anyway I just wanted to thank you for sharing your story. Youre a brave and strong mama.
My heart goes out to you right now. I hope everything goes smoothly and easily. You just reminded me to update this post, I later wrote another post about things you can do to help complete a miscarriage, if you are bleeding for a long time, so be sure to read that too. I am going to include the link in a second.
Hi,
Yesterday, at ten weeks I found out that I miscarried. It was my first pregnancy. The baby only developed to six weeks and then stopped and started to disintegrate. There was no baby to be found in the ultrasound . The doctors immediately ordered me a D/C but didn’t even tell me about the option to go through it naturally at home. I don’t like the idea of having surgery for something that the body will do naturally. The baby was a surprise but my husband and I had already picked out names and started envisioning our lives with this child. I feel numb at the moment and unsure of what to feel or think.
Hi Lana, my heart goes out to you right now. Just take it slow and don’t feel rushed to make any decisions. You will know what is best for you. Lots of love and prayers.
Thank you for sharing this. A friend of my miscarried 2x last year, both around 12 weeks. She has a blog for support for people who have gone through miscarriage where they can share their stories and photos of their babies if they choose to. Here is the link: http://lostinnocentsorthodox.blogspot.com/
Reading your story was exactly the same as my story up until the decision not to go to hospital. I got married at 39 and all my life I had waited for this moment to have a husband and to start a family. I got pregnant the first time and started spotting at 7 weeks. When we went back in 2 weeks time for the ultrasound I got the “there’s no heartbeat” as well and I was completely devasted. The fact that my husband was outside on a business call and we had waited long enough to join us was another issue. Here I am on my own being told my baby was dead. We went home I drank champagne and camembert cheese which you can’t eat when you are pregant and I thought we are not celebrating but I’m going to enjoy my cheese. I was very sad however I knew that logically this is your amazing body getting rid of something that is not quite right but emotionally I wanted that baby so you are torn. They told me that I needed to have a D/c and my husband was going out of town for 2 days on business and wouldn’t cancel his trip and I said I wanted to wait until he got back. Again you are not in the right frame of mind when they have just told you your first pregnancy is no longer. Anyway we went home and that night I thought I can’t wait I don’t think having a dead baby inside me is really a good idea and opted for the hospital option. He did not cancel his trip (which I was shocked at) given I had never been in hospital in my life before for an operation and I had only had my first blood test at about 38 given I’m very healthy. Long story his mother took the day off work to be at the hospital with me and I had the operation. It is very sad but I know that it was nature at it’s finest. I then went on to have 2 beautiful children my first at 40 and my 2nd at 42 and they are amazing. I am no longer with my husband as he kept cheating on me and refused to be faithful and I deserve better than that. One in 4 women have a miscarriage so it’s more than likely you know lots of people. You are a very brave person for going through that miscarriage at home and I know it is not something that I could have coped with, nor wanted to endure given the loss anyway. I take my hat off to you but a miscarriage is nature taking care of business. It does not mean that you won’t be able to have another baby. All the best. Regards, Kathy, Brisbane, Australia
So sorry to hear of your loss. Thanks so much for sharing your story. Love to you.
Thank you. I feel less alone. I’ve felt like I was broken for a while now, but you help to show that the light does come back eventually. I’m so sorry that you and Peter have lost your sweet baby. My heart and prayers go out to you.
I found your blog through a friend and I just have to thank you for this post specifically. I suffered 5 natural miscarriages at home (ranging from 6-10 weeks) before my daughter was born (at 31 weeks and 2 lbs).
Not nearly enough is said about miscarriages in general, despite how common they are, and certainly no one ever wants to hear about the nitty gritty details of doing it on your own. I, for one, couldn’t bear the thought of a d & c. I needed the closure and, like you, I needed to be able to say goodbye on my own terms. Your detailing was so familiar to me and I found myself nodding and cursing along as I read the post. Thank you again for bringing this subject to light. I’m sorry for your loss. Rest assured that the story of your son’s short life has and will touch so many people.
So sorry for your losses too. Thanks for taking the time to comment.
I just had a natural miscarrage in my house today in the morning
i was 10 weeks and 3 day,.thank you for sharing your story its helping me alot. Thank you again
So sorry for your loss Mayra. Hope healing goes easy for you. Lots of love.
Thank you for your post! I have six children, living. Five waiting angels. My last three pregnancies ended in miscarriage. The Dr can’t give me any explanation as to why I lost them. The first ended with a D&C. I haven’t come to terms with that decision. I have literal nightmares about it. My last two were both at home. Boy and girl. Buried side by side under the tree in our front yard. I’m so grateful for the mom’s who have opened up and shared their stories for others. There is nothing shameful about miscarriage. We need to help each other through this dark chapter of motherhood. I have blogged about my losses at Farm-marm-mama.blogspot.com and matryoshkamama.blogspot.com. Again, thank you. <3
Oh that is awful, so sorry for your losses. Hope you are feeling better now, lots of love to you.
I must voice my love for your kindness in support of people who absolutely need guidance on this area of interest. Your personal dedication to passing the solution all-around turned out to be really functional and have regularly permitted most people just like me to realize their dreams. Your informative recommendations denotes a lot a person like me and even further to my mates. Thank you; from each one of us.
can you please watch my miscarriage video thankyou xxxx
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Cdc2P-lyYE&feature=plcp
What an awesome post! I’ve have never experienced a miscarriage or known someone to miscarry naturally. Thank you for sharing the details. I’ve always had questions, but couldn’t ask.
You are a brave and inspiring woman. You are right – it’s amazing what a woman’s body can do. I hope you are healing emotionally. I can’t image losing a baby at 12 weeks. God bless and thanks, again, for sharing your story.
Thanks for sharing your experience of a natural miscarriage. I was diagnosed with a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks and sent home to go through the process naturally. It wasn’t a choice or my choice. No one I knew had experienced a natural miscarriage before. The two weeks left me in a lot of physical pain. The hospital syaff, when I rang them up, told me to take painkillers if the pain got worse. I don’t know if I should feel lucky that the early pregnancy unit at my local hospital advocates natural miscarriage.
Thank you so much for this post! I just went through a natural miscarriage not knowing what to expect. I pretty much had to figure things out on my own. After reading your story I know now I’m not crazy I was really having contractions and pain like you would with a live birth. For 4 1/2 hours I was in so much pain until my husband brought home meds. After the experience it truly blew my mind what had just happen but I know I was exhausted from it all not to mention I think I went through 6 things of bath water. Wish I would have found this sooner but thank you so much for your story and god bless you! So sorry for your loss<3
So sorry for your loss too. I am glad this post could validate your experiences, I wish I had something like that with my first ones, I too felt like I was crazy at times, or that my body was crazy.
Thank you for sharing your story. I have been searching for something online to help me cope. I went in for an ultrasound on Tuesday, thinking everything was fine. And it was not. So now I am just waiting for nature to take its course. It is good to know we are not alone in this time of sorrow. Thank you Stephanie.
So glad to hear it was helpful. Sorry to hear about your loss, lots of love to you.
Hello =) I have only just today come across your blog. I am so sorry to hear about your miscarry and I too can empathise. My first pregnancy ended in a miscarry, I didn’t know until I went for my 12 week scan. It was heart breaking. My body didn’t do anything until 4 weeks later and I laboured in the evenings only for 3 days. Like you said I was more comfortable on the toilet and b/c I was on my own, and hadn’t known what to do and what exactly would happen, I guess now looking back I did birth my unborn baby there on the toilet and it was flushed away. I never thought to bury it….
I’m thankful to have gone on to have successful pregnancies. Thank you for sharing your story. I never really truly did except with my husband….
Blessings,
Janelle
Thanks so much for your comment. So happy to hear you went on to have healthy pregnancies after your loss. Lots of love to you.
Thanks so much for sharing your story!
Thank you for this post. I discovered a couple weeks back that my unexpected second pregnancy was not viable – we think I was about 8-10 weeks along but the fetus stopped developing at 6 weeks. My best friend shared your HHE post with me because I was fearful of having to have a D&C. My miscarriage has been progressing very slowly after the initial bit, so I started taking the Raspberry Leaf tea and it seems to be helping quite a bit. I appreciate you sharing this information, this process is hard enough without the fear of the D&C. I’m so sorry for your loss, and for mine, and for every woman’s. My Mom miscarried between myself and my sister and she has been so supportive, it’s wonderful of you to share your story so that other women without that support can know that they’re OK.
How wonderful that you have a supportive mother to help you through this. So sorry for your loss and so glad the post was able to help you. Please let me know if you have any questions or if I can help in some way.
I have found your website just recently through pinterest and your wonderful crockpot meals (I am excited to try), and I want to say thank you for posting this. A miscarraige, I think, is something that needs to be talked about though it is hard to do. It’s been 4 years since I last miscarried (10 years since my first) and it was hard not to talk about it, either of them. A couple friends know only because they were the ones that forced me to go to the doctor (we were taking college classes together at the time). Sometimes I think my husband took it a little harder than I did. Reading this post kind of put our miscarraige in a little better light, understanding what happened when it happened. I am crying right now, but only because I can now say I know what I experienced then. Sad it took a real birth, reading your post, and four years to really understand.
I am still waiting to share my story with the world. I just hope it doesn’t take another to push me that step to share…
So glad my words and story could help you articulate your own feelings. Lots of love to you.
I found your story through Pinterest and I’m so glad I did. My first pregnancy in 2011 failed at 11 weeks and the miscarriage started in the Emergency room but ended at home and my experience was much like yours but contractions and heavy bleeding only lasted about 8 hours. I’ve shared my experience with close friends and family who have had natural births (whether by choice or not) and I don’t think they truly believe me when I talk about how physically painful it was. They act like since I didn’t push out a watermelon sized baby that I couldn’t have possibly experienced the pain that I described. My second loss happened just over a month ago at 13 weeks 3 days and it was a partial molar pregnancy and of course a D&C had to be done (my stupid body continued to act pregnant even though the baby was dead at 8 weeks). I hate being put under and if I could have I would have chosen a natural miscarriage again even though it was pure hell.
Thank you for sharing your experience and I am so sorry for what you had to go through.
So sorry for your loss too. I know what you mean, when I first posted this, some people were very shocked and I bet it was hard for them to wrap their heads around my description of the pain, if they had never gone through it. Lots of love to you.
Thank you for this thoughtful and detailed description of your experience. This has just happened (is happening) to me. I am miscarrying naturally at almost 12 weeks (due to a blood clot shearing the placenta and aborting the baby). Your story mirrors mine almost exactly with the spotting, etc. This was my first so I had nothing to compare it to. I am very sad that I didn’t manage to catch my baby. So sad. I wish I had seen him and had the chance to say goodbye. I’m confused by it too. How could I miss it? Everything went into the toilet and it sinks far back where I cannot see it. I was in so much pain but I wish I had checked each time. I was told I was simply passing a hematoma and I guess that’s why I wasn’t checking –even though in my gut I knew it was ending. It started for me 4 days ago but just this morning I passed an enormous piece of tissue that I think was the placenta –intact. I am weak and tired. I appreciate your sentiments and the notion of supporting your body in this process. It’s hard not to give up on your body. After months of eating the best, avoiding alcohol, taking vitamins… –it seems pointless now. But my body has endured a lot and deserves my support. Your post reminded me of that. Thank you. I am so so sorry for your loss.
So sorry for your loss. It is very hard to catch everything when you labor on the toilet. I was laboring in the bath tub or shower, and that made it easier for me not “loose” anything. God, I remember that weakness. No one knows how much energy it takes for your body to miscarry. Please take it easy for a couple of weeks, not just a couple of days. Even though your baby was dead, you still gave birth and recovery will not be like a snap of your fingers. Lots of love to you.
Thank u for sharing. I lost a baby at 6 months and they didn’t know why. They said birthing it would be dangerous since my first was a c-section. I was devastated and lost. My stomach was huge and people would pat it in the grocery store and say congratulations. It was almost unbearable. I had to wait two weeks and then sit 6 hours in an abortion clinic for my “appointment” to have the baby extracted. That, after two days at home with seaweed sticks in my cervix to pry it open. They crushed the baby’s head and then vacuumed out the contents of my uterus. It was thrown away. They said the tissue had been dead for almost 3 weeks and couldn’t be tested. My Obgyn opined that birthing it in a hospital surrounded by women birthing live babies would have hurt me too much emotionally. He was out of his fucking mind. I had no closure. My baby was thrown in the trash. It was six years ago and to this day I pray for forgiveness that I allowed the doctor to talk me into handling it that way. After 5 more miscarriages, another doctor found the problem. A genetic blood clotting disorder. My second live baby was born after I took Lovenox blood thinners during pregnancy. My cervix was so trashed – even though it was sewn shut (cerclage) I was on hospital bedrest for the last 4 months of pregnancy. That almost took my sanity. I developed severe PPD. I have a whole other fucked up story about how pathetic the medical community is in helping PPD mothers but thankfully was blessed to have found incredible support. To not talk about these things is to perpetuate the misery – the more we talk the better we can help others and the more we can do to educate and improve healthcare for mothers.
Holy shit. That is awful. I am so sorry you had to go through all of that. I hope you know you are forgiven. When you know better, you do better. Beating yourself, doesn’t help, although I know that is easy to say. I am sending you as much love and light as I can.
I’m so sorry for your loss in January. Miscarriage is just….unspeakable sometimes. I miscarried my first baby and thought I would absolutely succumb to the despair it left in my heart. I was fortunate to find a WONDERFUL group of ladies in an online support group for women who have suffered just like us. It has been 7 years now since I lost my first child and it the loss never goes away, but neither have the friendships that were formed for me when I found LAM (Life After Miscarriage). We have evolved from a full on website to a private group on Facebook for simplicity reasons, but I would like to invite you (and all other women who know the loss of a child) to check it out. We still celebrate EDDs for our angel babies, take joy in the birthdays and milestones of our kiddos with us now, and everyone there understands the need to be open and blunt about what we have experienced and the total DUMBASSES that we inevitably come up against in our families, public, etc. Anyhoo, just wanted to give you that invite after reading your touching, and totally relate-able story. (((hugs)))
Thank you for your comment I will have to check out LAM.
I deeply from the bottom of my heart thank you for sharing your experience!!!! means the world. I experienced my first miscarriage when I was 7 weeks, my stomach just all the sudden hurt, and I could feel my stomach feel sick, but not normal sick and something was changing inside of me and I knew something was wrong. I sometimes still feel like okay I have to stop thinking of the baby that would have been and enjoy the two blessings I have now. It felt awful, and I felt like I kind of ignored crying after the first week because my blessing of a husband was struggling much more, and I felt compelled to help him through it. We always thought we would have a lot of children, now I am thinking maybe I just can’t think about it and I just need to leave it up to God, but even if I leave it up to God I don’t want to keep going through this again and again and again. I don’t know if I am like you and have the strength, my heart flip flops at times.
Anyhoo, Stephanie you are a super amazing woman!
Thank you.
Thank you for reading. So sorry for your loss too, and that you had to comfort your husband so early. I only just now have been able to be comforting towards him and his grief. It was all about me for a long time, so props to you.
im really grateful to have found your blog. ive been dealing with a natural miscarriage for a month now and have felt a bit alone in the process. I didnt even know I had been pregnant until a week ago and had thought the miscarriage start was a period…until it just kept on coming. I just found out i was 14 weeks along. I kept telling my close friends last month that if i didnt know any better id think i was in labor etc. Its clear now that it is sometimes prolonged, and i am hoping the process is now complete for me because i would hope to avoid any procedures. thanks for sharing such an intimate experience in such detail!
I am glad you found my story helpful. It’s no fun when it is prolonged, you just want it to over already. It’s very difficult to deal with physical pain on top of emotional pain. Lots of love to you and so sorry for your loss.
I wanted to say thank you for sharing your story it has helped me. i just went through a miscarriage at 12 weeks. so i really had no idea what it would be like i just know that i wouldn’t wish this on any one. I just kinda wished that my ob/gyn would have told me exactly how this would feel. or at least how it may feel. so reading your blog has helped me in knowing that what i went through is so similar to yours that i know that what my body was doing was it taking its natural course.
So sorry for your loss, my heart goes out to you. Exactly! I actually think they don’t even really know, because all they know is D&C. Just like over the years OB’s are loosing the skill set of delivering breach babies and twins being handed down from OB to OB because they usually decided to do a cesarean instead because it’s easier on them, they are also loosing the skill set of how to tell patients about what a miscarriage actually looks like and feels like because all they do is D&C’s.
It’s been so long since I first read this. I came back to read it again. I’m so saddened by how many women miscarried and were treated abominably (or ignorantly) by their medical personnel. It’s a crime that women are not given the option of delivering their babies whether by induction or naturally rather than submitting to an oh-so-convenient (for the doctor, not you) surgery. *sigh* Stephanie, I’m glad you posted this because I see how many, many women are seeing it and are being helped by it. Thank you.
I know, I am shocked about the amount of comments as well. This is the second most popular post on my blog.
This must have taken a lot to put down in writing. Thankyou so much for being vulnerable and for sharing this with us. I wish you love. <3
Thank you. It was difficult to write, but very healing at the same time.
thank you so much for sharing! i have gone through 3 at home miscarriages and 1 d&c. people always ask me how i could do the whole at home thing. i am always saying why not! our bodies know how to deal with these things, and unless it is medically necessary (i almost bled to death once) i would much rather be in a comfortable environment with my husband and let my body take care of things. being in the hospital and not having control over my environment was an emotional disaster. i would hate to go through it again. again, thank you for sharing. it’s so nice to know that their are others out there that understand!
So sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story. It’s important to let other women know that there are lots of women out there miscarrying at home.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss. I’m so proud that you are so strong to do this. It is so helpful to so many others.
Now I do wish you do not take this offensively. There are a couple of things wrong with my pregnancy and my doctor suggested an abortion. I was curious if your natural miscarriage methods could substitute for an abortion. The baby is still alive but there are many complications that may affect my life. I am not in any way interested in an abortion and this seemed like a low risk alternative. I was curious if it would work.
So sorry to hear that. I do know there are natural methods for abortion, but I do not know about them. You will be in my prayers, that is a tough position to be in.
Hello, I stumbled upon your blog in the black hole of the Internet. I am so sorry for your loss. You are an incredibly strong women and I will be praying for you and your family.
On a completely different note, thank you for being so honest and “real” about this. I am currently single and often worry about getting pregnant since there is a history of miscarriages in my family. Thank you for not “sugar coating” it, it was so relieving, and oddly, reassuring to “hear it straight”. I really applaud you for this! I thought I had stumbled across just another “mommy blog” but you are insightful, honest, inspiring, and most of all, funny! You have gained another reader!
What a great compliment! Thank you so much! Look forwarding to “seeing” you around the blog!
Wow thank you for sharing your story and I’m sorry for your loss. I realize now how hard this was for you as I right this sitting from my hospital bed and just finished my own story. http://anaussiemumsdiary.com/2012/10/a-miscarriage-loss-my-story/ sharing my story is the only thing helping me cope
So sorry for your loss too. But yes, writing and sharing our stories is deeply healing. Even if never published, and simply written in a journal, the effects can be profound.
Thanks for sharing your story. I had my 2nd miscarriage Thursday night, and decided to do it naturally, at home too. My first m/c I had a d&c and wanted to avoid that this time. It was one of the most scary, and painful times of my life. I don’t regret for a minute choosing to stay home. It helped me feel a type of closure to losing my baby, and I felt it was my motherly duty to take on the pain and accept why this happened. I had two healty pregnancies in earlier years, and I look at my daughters who are 8 and 5 and am more thankful than ever for them.
Oh, so sorry for your recent loss. I am glad you feel good about choosing to miscarry at home. I felt the same way, like it was good closure for me as well. Lots of love to healing light coming your way.
Sorry for your loss.
Thanks for sharing your story. I think you’re right- it’s not a topic that comes up much- as if it’s unacceptable or something. I’ve had two miscarriages- one at 8 weeks and one at 10.5 weeks a year apart. Someone who should’ve been close to me (not naming them on purpose) asked me what was wrong with me. It was exactly the wrong thing to ask.
Oh Jesus, what an unthoughtful and hurtful thing to say. Lots of love to you.
Hello ladies my name is Chris and I was in the same thing. but I found a web site about fertiliy aid. I looked it up and found out that a lot of people are saying great thing about it so I tried it. Ladys I am just about 7 weeks pregnant so I can say it works. I was on it for about one month and it worked it really worked. If you are trying for a baby stop all the meds that you are on and take the pills. I wish you all good luck and happy baby trying.
Sorry fertility aid for women and men it has a brown and kind of green background. it is also linked with fairheaven health.
Hey, I so sympathetic to your situation and sorry to read about it. But I am pleased that you allow us to read your story and share ours. I’m 34 and I have had a miscarriage and an ectopic pregnancy about four years ago. I found out I was pregnant around the first of October and given my pregnancy history, I went to the ER to make sure there wasn’t a problem. The doctor told me that I had a viable pregnancy and So we started telling the family and friends, made an appointment with the same OB-GYN that delivered a total of 6 children of my 2 sisters. At that appointment this raggedy doctor said he couldn’t see a fetus or hear a heartbeat. So they did a quantitative blood test, because my pregnancy test was positive. The next day the office called and told me my numbers were too high to be 2 months. So this past Friday I went in and from there he sent me to the hospital for emergency surgery. Now when I got to the hospital I asked for another sonogram to make sure and they could see the baby and it was still alive, but it was in my right tube. So I had to have surgery to remove the tube and the baby. This being my third time it’s getting hard to think about. I really had my hopes up because the ER doctor had instilled that in me. I hate that some doctors don’t take their time to cover all the bases. If the ER doctor had done a little more work, I could have avoided surgery but by the time I went to my doctor I was too far along. This one really hurts my heart. But like you said everything happens for a reason, and it truly does suck. But I have faith that we will meet this same soul again and it will come at the perfect time. I do pray that you do as well.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. I am praying your pain lessens soon. Lots of love.
Yesterday, after 12 hours of bleeding and cramping, an ultrasound confirmed we had lost our first baby. I’d had such a blessed 8 weeks, feeling great, on cloud 9 after 3 years of trying. We had an ultrasound on Halloween, a strong heartbeat. Just a few days later, the baby died. I googled and found your story. I’m so surprised by all the women I know who’ve miscarried though I know nothing of their stories. I thought miscarriage was an event but I’m seeing it is a process. My cramps and bleeding ramp up to intolerable and then subside, almost completely. I’m trying to let my body do this naturally, I’m just heartbroken. Now I understand how devastating it is to go through this.
Yes, it absolutely is a process, usually a very long one. To fully complete mine it took almost two full months. Not fun and certainly not fair. So sorry for your loss, lots of love to you.
I really liked your story. I actually experienced a miscarriage my self just 2 days ago. My second one in a row. It was really heartbreaking for me, but both happened a home. The first time everything happened so fast I could barely keep up with what was going on and had a hard time grieving. However, this time I held my child and we connected and I had a chance to say my good byes and even though I still am crying for some time every morning I feel like we will be together again in the next life. And both children I lost are waiting for me and it makes me smile knowing that. I didnt have a D&C last time and dont think i will this time either. I just happened to run across your story and thought I would share. I shut down last time but this time is different. Coping with the past and present miscarriage that i have had has been alot eaiser by just taking those few moments alone in the bathroom with my baby. And I believe it will making conceiving and having another child alot easier this next time.
Thank you so much for sharing and so sorry for your losses. Lots of love and prayers to you.
I am so inspired by your story of your natural miscarriage. I just wish I had found it sooner. I had my natural miscarriage on 11/21/12, but in a way, I am still going through it three (3) weeks later, and your story really helped me. Thank you for posting it! {I also wrote about my natural miscarriage on my blog. I wish in a way I could have had mine at home, but I think it was good I went to the ER because I was bleeding way to much.}
Yes, most people don’t realize how long the proccess can be. Which is extra crappy for the mom, because you just want it to all be over. Lots of love to you.
I know you wrote this over a year but from the bottom of my heart thank you for sharing this story. I had a miscarriage in October and it has been really hard on me. I am 21 years old and although it was not planned I was willing to be a mother. I miscarried at ten weeks and deicded to have a home miscarriage but I ended up having to have an d and c because of leftover tissue.
Thank you for reading it, and helping me feel like the experience had a higher meaning. So sorry about your recent loss, my heart goes out to you. The pain gets easier with every passing day.
Stephanie, thank you so much for being brave enough to put your story into words. I found out on Tuesday that I was starting a miscarriage. My husband and I are in a completely different state on a house hunting trip and staying in a hotel. Needless to say I was a little scared not knowing anyone. My husband and I chose to go with a natural miscarriage so we could have the closure and be able to say our goodbyes. All the doctors and nurses at the ER could tell me was that it would feel like a really bad period. We came back to the hotel and I started searching online for miscarriage resources (which is how I found your blog). Your details helped more than anything else I found.
Yesterday I started having waves of cramps (this was my first pregnancy, but I’m presuming this is similar to labor pains). I ended up sitting in a tub for hours because that was only thing that made it all feel better (I would never have thought of that without your story). This morning the sac came out after another long bath. We couldn’t bare to just flush the baby so we went and bought a pot and some potting soil and buried the sac in the pot. We plan on planting some forget-me-nots in the pot when spring comes around.
We would have been 8 weeks today. We’re devastated. This was our first pregnancy and something we’d been waiting for for a long time. We were going to finally tell everyone next week after our first appointment with the OB. Instead we’ve had to give the bad news to our families who are miles away.
Thank you again for writing your post. Reading your story and all of the comments below it made me feel like I had a friend holding my hand through the whole process. Kind of knowing what was coming helped me through. You are a blessing!
I am so sorry for your loss, but so glad you were able to have some comfort and closure through out the process. I love the idea of using a pot, since you were out of town. This would be a great option for women who are renting and wouldn’t want to plant something in the yard permantely. Lots of love and light to you.
Hi Stephanie, thank you for your frank and honest post about miscarriage. You are so right, that this is a part of our lives as women, a normal part, but one that is taboo for some strange reason. It is sad and hard, but it is a part of life. I certainly appreciate your opening the door to this discussion. I am sorry for your lost little ones. As you know, there are no perfect words, but shared sorrow can sometimes be comforting.
I experienced a pregnancy loss two years ago, and I was saddened and disgusted by the way it was “medically managed.” I look back and still cry about my experience at the hospital and with my midwives who just followed policy regarding my situation rather than thinking about me as a person in grief. (Upon walking into the exam room for my two-day follow-up visit, the midwife exclaimed “Congratulations!” instead of taking a moment to look at my chart that was hanging on the door outside the room.) The whole awful experience was not completely terrible, as it propelled me into the world of home birth, and further into the land of natural living. I am now working as a doula, birth educator, and breastfeeding counselor, in part due to the experience I hope no other woman will have to experience. I have often looked back and wished that I had never called my midwives, or that I just stayed home instead of going to the hospital. I am so pleased that you are giving a platform to natural miscarriage. I had never heard the term before my loss, and if I had, things might have been different. Good for you, Stephanie. I thank you again for being so brave and confident. We need more women like you out there!
Hi Nancy, thanks so much for your comment. So sorry to hear about your loss too, but what an amazing story of how it lead you to your life’s work. Keep up the good work!
I’m so sorry for your loss..thank you for writing this. When I had my missed miscarriage we were almost 12 weeks along, the baby was only 5 weeks and no heartbeat so I didn’t actually see the baby. We opted for the pills for an at home miscarriage since it was obvious my body was not naturally going to do it. I really know how you feel as you are going through it at home, you wish for the D&C (though I am glad I didn’t do that – just in the moment, in that emotionally and physical pain…).
So sorry for your loss too. Yes, its very similar to the moment (or moments) in a live birth that is drug-free and the mom asks for an epidural (most moms ask at some point) but it’s just fear. But then you walk straight through it and you are ok.
Hugs to you all! I chose the D&C. I was 13 weeks along, and already in so much mental pain. My body was acting like it was still pregnant. No natural anything. I was told if I waited it out, it could be weeks before my body would finally kick in. Plus, I was told D&C would “clean me out” well, making my uterus fit to hold a healthy baby. And it did! Luckily, I was pregnant by my due date with the one I lost, and that helped me cope. But not a day goes by where I don’t think of that baby.
Thanks Sharon. So sorry for your loss and so happy to hear that you are pregnant again. Blessings to you.
Thank you for sharing your story. It hurts me to read what you wrote but it is helpful to me at the same time because I am in the process of having a miscarriage right now. I wanted a baby so badly and got pregnant. I went to the doctor several times and there was no baby. No heartbeat, no baby. A blighted ovum. Yay. My baby was not a baby at all but just an empty sac and my body lied to me. I am sitting here in quite a bit of pain, the contractions are about 4 minutes apart and my water broke about 15 minutes ago. It’s coming and it hurts. But it was my choice not to have the D&C and to do it at home and I knew it was going to hurt. Had no idea it would be this bad or sharp or stabby but I am pretty sure I won’t die from it. If I were to start hemorrhaging I will go straight to the ER but if I don’t have to, I am not going to. I have almost no trust in doctors. They are educated guessers and all a hospital is is a business designed to funnel people in and make as much money as they can. There may be the rare person inside that actually gives a fuck but the most are just there getting rich and don’t care. Heartless money-grabbers. So… doing this at home.
SO glad I found this!! I knew there had to be information online about this and people who care.
Now I am off to take a shower I think. I smell food but have no interest in it right now. Ow.
Peace be with you all.
So sorry to hear that Tangie. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thank you so much for sharing your experience. While I’ve never been pregnant, so many of my friends and even members of my family have had several miscarriages. Just today I was wondering how to comfort a friend who lost her two week old son two years ago. Reading your story and the comments has helped me process their losses, and even the pain myself and my husband went through when his sister had three successive miscarriages. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for being real.
Thank you for reading. Your friends are lucky to have such a wonderful friend in you!
Thank you for sharing this. Some people think that having a m/c is like taking a shit, or so frequent and common that it can be tolerated- like popping a pimple. Or that replacing the baby by “trying again” will make things better. I don’t care what people think I just don’t want to hear them. I enjoy hearing what it really is- what you have described for us. Yes, it is painful, raw and a baby actually really does come out, your baby, not “it” not “tissue”, not “medical waste” that should be incinerated like trash. I wish I had had the guts and nerves to have kept the remains of my baby and buried her somewhere. You are brave. If this happens to me again, I am doing it my way.
Amen.
Sorry to hear you went through a miscarriage. I am thankful to come across your post. I am actually going through a miscarriage right now. This was my second pregnancy and my husband and I was excited. When it was confirmed I miscarried I would of been only 8 1/2 weeks along. We found out the baby was dead probably a week to a week and a half. I opted to go home and have a natural miscarriage without meds for now and did not want the surgery since I hate hospitals. We don’t have family that lives close by since they all live in other states so my husband has been working from home so he can be here when the time came to take care of our 13 month old son while I was miscarring. We already did our grieving and I told myself I need to be strong for my son since I am a stay at home mom and he won’t understand what is going on yet. I already am starting the process but have not yet had the contractions yet. Your blog post has helped me understand what more to expect. I go back to the dr on Monday and if I have not passed the baby they are most likely going to put me on meds to speed up the process. I’m crossing my fingers I don’t need to since the dr said the meds have some bad side affects. Thanks for posting your story of what you went through
So sorry for your loss Susan. And sometimes it’s ok to cry in front of our little ones. Let’s them know it’s ok to be sad and cry and hopefully will keep them from stuffing their emotions down.
I was looking for a recipe & stumbled across a reference to this post on your blog. I am so very sorry for your loss. Not to mention completely shocked by how involved a first-trimester miscarriage can be. I had one (a “missed miscarriage”) almost exactly six years ago & have been thinking about it a lot the past month. At 10 weeks, all of the typical first-trimester symptoms I’d been experiencing stopped at the same time (on my birthday, unfortunately). As the day progressed, I tried to tell myself it was because I was nearing the end of my first trimester. When I called my doctor’s office, a nurse concluded the same thing & said I would see red blood if there was a problem, but that if it would make me feel better, I could come in & they would check it out. I didn’t go in that day (trying to convince myself I was worrying for nothing), but at the same time, I knew. My gut was telling me something was gravely wrong.
A week later, after running, I saw a lot of something (still not sure what) in my underwear as I undressed. It was thick & pasty & there was quite a bit of it. It was brown like old blood, not red like the kind of blood the nurse warned me about. I called them again & made an appt. The nurse practitioner couldn’t find a heartbeat so she sent me down the hall for an ultrasound. During the ultrasound, the tech was quiet (much like the NP had been) & then told me that my child had died & never really developed. She then mentioned something about it not really being a baby. She said this in what she appeared to think was a nice, consoling way. I was stunned. Had she really just said that? What was my baby then if not a baby? An alien? Perhaps he or she was just a “product of conception” as I see others here posting about – a term I haven’t heard before, but that I find equally disgusting & disrespectful to the life I was carrying inside me, if only for a few weeks.
I was offered the option of a D&C or waiting to see if my body absorbed my baby’s remains. It may sound stupid, but my coworker’s dog had just died the month before after having a missed miscarriage of her own, which led to a massive infection. The thought of infection scared me so I chose the D&C. This Saturday marks 6 years from the day I had the procedure. I’m incredibly fortunate that the hospital where I ended up having it done saved my baby’s remains & gave me a booklet that not only talked about loss & support groups, but the specific area of a cemetery on the east side of town where I could visit my child’s remains. My husband & I have only visited once, but as I mentioned, I’ve been thinking about the miscarriage a lot lately (especially on my birthday last week) & that I should go back there again to visit.
I am blessed to now have a sweet, rambunctious two-and-a-half-year-old son & an equally wonderful eight-month-old daughter. However, they do not replace Peanut as I had nicknamed our first child. (A name I’ve never allowed anyone who knew of the miscarriage to call my son or daughter.) I pray that I live my life in such a way that will allow me to meet him or her in Heaven someday. I also pray that this blog post continues to touch women as it has done with me. Thank you for your candor & bravery.
Thanks so much for sharing your story. Lots of love and light to you.
I found out i was pregnant 3/09/13 on tye 12 i went to the doc and nothing on u/s not even a sac nothing my last period was 02/01/13 i went back on the 3/12 for another blood test i got the results 3/14 dey called me told me to go asap to a E.R bcus i might have a ectopic pregnancy my hcg levels were 3/09 they were 588 n the 3/12 dey were 938 they told me they were rising slowly i went to e.r for dem to diagnose me with a complete miscarriage they also found nothing on u/s that was on 3/14 i began spotting on the 3/10 the night i went to e r i began bleeding a little more more like a regular period and cramping alot with lower back pain i followed up a few d ays later with midwife dey did another blood test i got the resulta the same day from both e.r n widwife they had dropped e.r were 406 n midwife were 326 they told me i miscarried but i never passed any clots nothing jus continued bleeding and cramping. Last night i was cramping alot last night i passed some type of grey tissue i dont know what it is and this morning i passed a big clot im confused how cone they didnt see this in the sono?? Im sorry am talking about my experience but its my 1st mc & idkwhats going on is this normal i dont want tongo bak to the e.r but scared of a infection after i passed those things the cramping stopped can anyone help
So sorry for your loss and stressful experience. If the bleeding and cramping has stopped and you don’t have a high fever or foul smelling discharge, you do not have an infection and the worst is over and you should be fine, physically that is.
I discovered I had lost the first twin at 6 weeks, the second stopped growing at 7w4d, my betaHCG’s were low, I had light spotting, and there was an embryo with a weak heartbeat, but the dr. thought it looked… odd. A week later no heartbeat. I immediately stopped progesterone, and had a horrible day the next day (not a good idea, nobody told me!) I was horribly nauseous, shaking with chills and super weepy. I was sad, but the hormone drop really intensified the sadness. I stayed home from work, and went back on progesterone, I tapered off ending on a friday so I could have my progesterone withdrawal at home, on the weekend. ***TMI to follow*** my Beta’s were so high they said I would have to wait 3 weeks to miscarry, I decided to do all of the things I had been avoiding… esp caffeine and orgasms. Every 4 hours or so I’d have an orgasm. I got sick of it, actually, but each one caused a little cramping. By sunday I was spotting, monday evening, cramping a lot (those cervical cramps, like weak labor pains, not like menstrual cramps for me) I passed the first twin within 2 hours. I bled a LOT, like soaking a VW beatle sized pad in 40 minutes. I had my sister there to make sure I didn’t pass out. After 3 more hours of lots of blood and clots, things slowed down and I sent my sister home. I decided to get my trusty hitachi magic want out and see if I could make things speed up (it was 2 am). Moments after the orgasm I had another round of strong cramps and felt the second chorionic sac, and moments later bleeding and pain stopped, and it was just spotting. I really think that orgasms helped me not only miscarry naturally and avoid a D&C, but when the miscarriage was stalling out and I was bleeding a lot, I think it helped it to finish successfully. I figure why take misoprostol to make my uterus contract when I have a much more pleasant and controllable method around. Incidentally, I actually tried this to deal with the cramps, I didn’t take anything, and they were pretty painful and I needed to grade papers, so I had heard of women using orgasm to help with early labor pain. Turns out it was helpful with pain and progress.
Thanks so much for sharing. I have not experienced that, but I have heard that as well and for some women it does really help whether natural miscarriage labor for full term, live baby labor.
Hi i have opted for natural miscarriage… i am in tension …
Let me know if I can help in any way.
Stephanie, I found your website ages ago and read this post, along with many others. It affected me greatly at the time, but I had no idea how much I would need this information in the future. I was about 11 weeks pregnant when my husband and I had our first baby appointment. I hadn’t really had many pregnancy symptoms, but I didn’t when I was pregnant with my now 2yo son either. I was uneasy, but certainly didn’t expect what followed. The midwife couldn’t find a heartbeat, and sure enough, when we did an ultrasound, the baby appeared to have stopped developing around 6 weeks gestation.
Since my body wasn’t miscarrying on its own, I had the choice of a D/C (which was estimated to cost more than what we paid the hospital to give birth to our son) or oral doses of cytotec (which was much less invasive, and ended up costing $8 total). I chose the drug. After 2 torturous days of slight bleeding and waiting, I miscarried. I don’t know that anything would have prepared me for the surreal moment of that experience, but your description helped me know what to expect.
It’s better now that it’s physically done–the days between finding out and the event were the worst. Now I’m just dealing with the range of hormone-fueled emotions–feeling ok, especially when I’m busy, to torrents of tears sneaking up on me. And there’s the feeling of being betrayed by my own body (seriously?! the pregnancy had been over for 5 weeks, and you didn’t tell me?!) aside from the plain bullshit of the situation and loss of a child.
Thank you for your story. Reading it and the comments section has been so helpful. Big hugs to us all.
Hi Audrey. So sorry to hear about your loss. I know exactly what you mean, once the bleeding stopped I felt much better. And I totally felt betrayed by my body as well. Lots of love to you.
Thank you for sharing your story in such honest detail. I am so sorry that you had a missed miscarriage. I am actually waiting to have my first missed miscarriage and your story has helped prepare me for what’s about to take place. I was 13 weeks along when notified last week that my baby’s heartbeat stopped and that he or she was measuring 12 weeks and 5 days. Today marks 14 weeks. Please pray that I will not have to wait that much longer.
All miscarriages are hard, but end of first trimester ones are really hard physically. Lots of love to you. Please email me if you need anything.
I found out in Thursday that my baby had no heartbeat at 12 weeks. My ObGyn started talking to me about D&C and natural miscarriage and what to expect. All I wanted was to run home to my husband who I had to break the news too. My first pregnancy gone wrong what did I do was all that went through my head. I stopped smoking drinking alcohol drinking caffeine where did I go wrong? Over this Easter weekend I had to break the news to my family that I had shared the joyous news that we were pregnant. Today is Sunday and I have miscarried. I am relieved but sad. Withing an hour of heavy bleeding and contraction Mother Nature released my baby. I couldn’t look could not have that image engraved in my head. Forever in my heart my little angel. All the attendees at the hospital were so sympathetic and caring but most of all my Husband was my rock. At times I still feel sad and need time to heal mentally. We will overcome this and try again. Thank ou for sharing your story I found it soothing. Take Carr and God bless XO
So sorry for your loss Lorraine. Many blessings to you.
Thank you
Im having a miscarriage. I am 13 weeks when I started bleeding and the next day I had a scan to confirm that there was no heartbeat. This is the worse thing that has ever happen to me and I have been through a lot. I was having a natural miscarriage then changed my mind however my body decided that I had no choice and I was having a natural one. The pain and blood was awful, I have never been pregnant but I can only imagine it was like labour pains, as the pain came ever couple of minutes. I went to hospital and they gave me morphine and other drugs but it didn’t help at all. It only settled down after I delivered the sac with our little baby in. If I had known how bad it was going to be I would have opted for a D and C straight away. Everything happened so quickly the Thursday started bleeding, scan Friday, I was booked in for D and C on Tuesday but delivered baby on Sunday. So now waiting for the little bit that’s left to come out now. I just want it to be over and done with, it still hurts. I know it will take time to heal but life is so unfair. I also seem to be that 1 in 4 that gets the bad luck; the reason I say that is because I have also had cancer. All I can say is I have an amazing husband who has been fantastic and we will get through this together. I feel for all ladies and their partners who are going through this or have been. My heart goes out to you all and the babies we have lost.
So sorry to hear about your recent loss Anne. You will feel a little bit better once it is all over and you have stopped bleeding, but it will take some time to heal. Lots of love and light to you.
:’( mine was kinda the same except that i was 20 weeks pregnant with a 14 week fetus, a possible pin point sized blood clot from the placenta attaching traveled to the brain?
i was in shock and when they said natural miscarriage i didnt know to expect a BABY. (well duh obviously I WAS pregnant but my brain just didnt process that.) drs just told me to go home after saying theres no heartbeat. tech was pointing out everything on the screen, then my husband asked the tech wheres the heartbeat and the the silence was deafening. i didnt really know i was going to go into full on labor, OMG the pain was excruciating, i just rocked and moaned a lot while my hubby held me. my little ava was beautiful. i still cry. i wouldnt wish a miscarriage on my worst enemy. my second miscarriage was a little different and i had to have a d&c because placenta got stuck in my tilted uterus and was poisoning me. literally killing me from the inside out. that was a horrible experience as well. woke up two times during the procedure. the dr cussed quite colorfully when he realized i was bawling and awake…. I do have my miracle baby though. hes 4 years old now. he was in between these miscarriages. i’m not sure if id be ready for another baby. not even sure how to emotionally heal from these two miscarriages.
So sorry to hear about your two miscarriages. How brave you are. Have you ever looked into mayan massage? I have a post about uterus displacement on the blog. Take a look, it would be helpful to get your uterus back in place if you want to try to conceive again and it would just be helpful for overall health AND it would help release any pent up emotional trauma stored in your uterus from the miscarriage. Lots of love to you.
Reading this post I feel like my heart is reaching out to you to give you a giant hug. I am so sorry any woman has to experience anything so traumatizing. It sounds like you handled it very bravely, and I hope you are well along your healing path. BIG HUGS to you and to all the other women who have been in this boat. xoxo
Thanks so much Lindsay.