Here are some of my favorite quotes from Chapter 3, Too Much Control.
“Conditional parenting can be the consequence of control even if it wasn’t the intention, and, conversely, control can help to explain the destructive effects of conditional parenting.”
“The dominant problem with parenting in our society isn’t permissiveness, but the FEAR of permissiveness. We are so worried about spoiling our kids that we often end up overcontrolling them.”
“The way many kids are treated suggests a lack of respect for their needs and preferences-in fact, a lack of respect for children, period.”
“It’s easy for most of us to observe Bad Parenting on Parade, to watch people who are much more controlling that we are, and to take comfort from saying, “At least I’d never do that.” But the real challenge is to reflect on the things we have been known to do and ask whether they’re really in our children’s best interest.”
“The kids who do what they’re told are likely to be those whose parents DON’T rely on power and instead have developed a warm and secure relationship with them.”
“There may be times when some control, in the usual sense, is unavoidable, and here the trick is indeed to avoid overdoing it. Bu rather than just trying to find a happy medium between “too controlling” and “not controlling enough”, we need to think in terms of an approach to parenting that’s fundamentally different from control.”
This chapter really made me think of all the times, as a Nanny, I got into power struggles with the girls over what they were wearing, how much they ate, etc. I remember thinking, “Danm, I am such good Nanny!”, because I usually always got them to eat what I wanted to or wear what I wanted. I thought I was some master toddler negotiator…but really they were probably just so worried about upsetting me ( not that I ever yelled or screamed at them, but I think even getting frustrated and in a bad mood is way of love withdrawal) and wanting to please me than anything else…that all I really accomplished was breaking their spirit. Sigh.
So what did ya’ll think about this chapter? What were your “ah-ha” moments for this chapter?