I don’t know where to even begin. I kind of feel like I am in a haze. How did a year go by? How did I get here already?
I started crying yesterday when everyone was singing Happy Birthday to Penelope at Baby Time at the library, like a dork. I couldn’t help it. I have never sung Happy Birthday to her before, it’s her very first birthday. Ever.
I am not sure why exactly her birthday has me so emotional. I know that I have so much more wonderful things to look forward to, but it also feels like a door closing. The end of her babyhood. Her babyhood, that I will never, ever get back.
Someone once told me that post partum lasts three years, and one of the reasons it lasts that long is because it actually takes three years to process the event of giving birth and transforming into being a mother. When your baby arrives, the old you dies, and a new you ascends from the ashes. Pieces of the old you may still be there, but they are buried deep, gestating for the next phase your life when they may come back to serve you. The new you, may still look like you, but you are different and you can never go back. It can take some time getting used to wearing your new mama shoes, they may feel funny at first, but eventually you get comfortable in them and get your stride back, even if you are not the same person.
Penelope has changed so much this year, and so have I. I have come such a long way as far as cooking and nutrition goes, among other things. I still have much to learn, but I am proud of the new me. I can’t believe I used to be a vegetarian and that I used to think that was the “healthy” way to eat and that by being a vegetarian I was being environmentally responsible! I look back at the vegetarian I was in college, and think “what a silly girl!!” Not trying to nock vegetarians, just noting that my diet is one the biggest things that has changed so much. If you are vegetarian, please check out the Weston A. Price Foundation.
I never thought I would do EC, or not do a single vaccination (I thought I would do selective and delayed, but once I laid eyes on Penelope, I knew I didn’t want a needle to come near her, ever.)
I thought that Penelope’s birth would require me to muster all the survival skills and courage I had within me, I never realized that it would be her post partum, her baby hood, that would require those things from me. I can not believe I have pumped for an entire year. I hope to go another year, at minimum another 6 months.
This year has been the happiest/hardest year of my life. I can’t believe a year has gone by. Just one year ago I was pushing her out and pulling her up into my arms. I am thankful beyond words that I was able to stay home this year and just be with my daughter and not miss a single moment.
I wonder what the next year will bring. Year 2 of post partum land. Maybe Penelope will sleep through the night before she turns 2? A Mama can dream.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY PENELOPE!! My beautiful, beautiful girl.
Here are some birth and brand new post partum pictures: